New Beginnings

Dear Readers,

Holy smokes, this is starting off like a letter! How formal! How scandalous! Who's dead? What's happening? What's going on?

I have typed, deleted, typed, deleted, typed, and deleted again. So here it goes. Everything is fine. In fact, it's way better than fine. I have some very good news to share with all of you - and a little bittersweet news, too. Let's start with the good, shall we?

I am very excited to share with you all that a short story I wrote earlier this year - entitled "Slosh" - has been selected for publication in an anthology, and will be published Fall 2017/Winter 2018. This is the first time I've ever submitted fiction for consideration to any publisher, and I am LOSING MY MIND from excitement that they want to take a chance on my work. The story is dark. It's tragic. I'm not sure it's any good - you'd have to confer with my first readers on that.

Speaking of my early readers, I'd be remiss not to thank them each individually. I could not have completed the manuscript edits or gained the confidence to seek out publication if not for:

• Jenna Allen
• Kristin Smith
• Courtney Wick
• Kathy Tosh
• Hope Linker

And, of course, my husband Craig, who I'm sure never saw a story like "Slosh" coming out of my brain. Thank you for your continued kindness, patience, love, and inspiration. You're my hero. And I am so glad to be sharing this adventure with you. 

Now, with this good news comes a little bit of the bittersweet news. Deep breaths, everyone, deep breaths...

I am saying goodbye to (ryan)vention. This probably comes as no shock to most of you, given that this blog has sat dormant for several months with minimal updates. I started this blog to find my creative voice again and to figure out what my "next thing" - my next macguffin - would be. Over the last two years, I've become even more obsessed with Yankee Candle, I've had a Pad Thai meltdown, I've continuously failed at weight loss (though I am down 30 pounds for 2017, so I consider that a win), I've made fun of my family members, and mused on dozens of other topics. But most importantly, I found my creative voice again. I found my way back to writing.

And I couldn't have done any of this without all of you. Some of you I know (hi, Mom) and some of you live thousands of miles away and we'll likely never meet. But each of you helped me to find my voice. You helped me to be confident. We've laughed together. We've cried together (just me? Thanks for nothing, Pad Thai). We've shopped for candles together. I adore you all. And I hope you've cherished this time as much as I have.

Now, silver lining: I'm not leaving the blogosphere - I'm just moving shop. As of today, www.jryanblesse.com is live and ready for visitors. The blog portion of the website will go live tomorrow morning at 6am, which will introduce my readers to what they should expect moving forward. TL;DR, the new website is focused on my journey as a writer and attempting to connect with other writers and readers. Now, that doesn't mean we won't have fun - I do plan to incorporate travel and lifestyle topics like what you've become accustomed to here (be on the look out for my first unboxing video coming next week). But I think it's important for me to learn more about being a storyteller and to share what those lessons with others as I go. I'll also be providing updates on any new published works.

(ryan)vention is very special to me, and it's harder to write this than I thought it would be. This new adventure is REALLY scary. This must be how Oprah felt making her own cable network...

Anyway, I hope you'll read "Slosh" when it hits the presses (I'll let you know about that over at www.jryanblesse.com when I know), and that you'll join me in my new adventures. You can find me at the following places:

Website: www.jryanblesse.com
New blog (please subscribe!): www.jryanblesse.com/blog
Facebook: www.facebook.com/jryanblesse
Twitter and Instagram: @jryanblesse

As for (ryan)vention, it will stay right here where it's always been. 

Thank you for helping me find my macguffin and for being my first readers. I love you all. 

To new beginnings (and to finding your macguffin).

- J. Ryan Blesse

14 Things I Learned About Selling a House

The biggest event of 2017 has been selling our first home together and buying our second home, and it's admittedly the biggest macguffin we've undertaken since I first started the blog. Now that we're in our first "our" home (since I just moved into Craig's house like a piece of Walmart furniture) and I've had time to reflect on the entire process while poolside with an umbrella drink because I'M A KARDASHIAN NOW, I wanted to share the things I learned and experienced while selling our first home. Because, #expert.

50 Reasonable Thoughts On the LeFou-Is-Gay Disney Backlash

It's been a while. I know, I don't write, I don't call, let's move past it because I am FIRED UP and ready to go.

Okay, so have y'all heard about this controversy surrounding Disney's remake of Beauty and the Beast? Yes, you read the correctly. There's controversy with a Disney film. Wanna know why? Okay, the TL;DR is that Disney recently revealed that *SPOILER ALERT* LeFou will have a gay moment toward the end of the film, and EVERYONE IN CONSERVATIVE AMERICA LOST THEIR DAMN MINDS. 

book (ry)view: 1984 by George Orwell

"WAR IS PEACE. FREEDOM IS SLAVERY. IGNORANCE IS STRENGTH."

These are the words that define Oceania's society. Oceania is just one of three states that exist in the world following the second World War, and it is marked constant war with its neighboring states Eastasia and Eurasia (though they've only ever been at war with one of these states, according to the Party and their particular revisions to history on any given day), by intense regulation of human activity (including, but not limited to, emotions and thinking), constant monitoring by the all-knowing Big Brother (as well as fellow Oceania citizens and Thought Police), extreme punishment through brain washing and torture, and - in the end - the the destruction of the idea of free will (as well as all other ideas that do not match those of the Party's). 

The story follows Winston Smith's fall from these societal parameters, and his attempt to start a small if not inspiring rebellion. It begins with him beginning a journal questioning the totalitarian government he has known for his entire life. This act alone could put Winston into the crosshairs of the Thought Police, but, of course, our hero does not stop there. Instead, he begins a romantic and sexual relationship with a woman named Julia (by the way, in Oceania, sex is restricted to only procreative ends - women, in particular, are not permitted to enjoy it) and forges an alliance with both her and a member of the Party's regime. Of course, inspiring as it may be to those with a rebellious heart, Winston's story is stocked full of fear, hate, love, betrayal, and - even in the final sentence - tragedy.

We Broke the Scale.

Well, folks, we are a little over three weeks into weight loss hell. We've both lost more weight. We're both feeling motivated. But mostly I am still hungry, because ice cream still exists and because, chubby. 

As I outlined in my previous post, Craig and I have a little friendly competition going on where (TL;DR) whoever loses the least percent of body weight has to pay, in dollars, the combined total of weight lost by both people. Last time, I had to pay in $14. 

Well, guess who got to pay into the travel jar again!? Me. I did. 

So much money I can't help but throw it

I have a feeling we'll be traveling to the ~Holiday Inn~ at the end of this on my dimes, because I keep eating cheese because I'm not a monster. *Side eye*

There's now exactly $20 in the travel jar. "But Ryan," you say. "Why is there only $20? That's only $6 more than last time." I am so glad you asked, dear readers!

Last week, we broke the scale we had been using. Not kidding.

You right now probably.

book (ry)view: The Colorado Kid by Stephen King

Newsmen Vince Teague and Dave Bowie are the sole news providers for a small Maine newspaper, The Daily Islander. They've recently hired an ambitious intern named Stephanie McCann, who quizzes the newsmen on whether or not they have ever, in 50 years, encountered a truly unsolved mystery. That is when they tell her a story - and challenge her to put the pieces they do have together - about a body they found on the beach in 1980. This is the mystery, of course, of The Colorado Kid.

book (ry)view: Buffy the Vampire Slayer Season 8 - The Long Way Home

If you have not seen seasons 1-7 of Buffy the Vampire Slayer and plan to do so, stop reading now as this review contains spoilers of Buffy's original run. 

Yankee Candle Sent Me a Care Package and Now My Life's Complete

Last month, I wrote a blog post - perhaps it'd be better to call it a love letter - about and for Yankee Candle in light of their then-recent voluntary recall of the Luminous Collection. I'm sure most of you had noticed before that blog post (or this one) that I have a small addiction obsession stalker-tendencies pretty intense emotions about Yankee Candle. I won't bore you with all the details - mostly because I am confident you know what a link looks like by now and if you don't please see the underlined "about and for Yankee Candle" above and consider if you're too innocent for the internet right now - BUT I will say that it was a tragic story of me lighting a "peasant candle" and falling from the grace of Yankee Candle, only to find my way back again. And it was all factual. Not lying. That's what makes it factual. ~Factual~.

Per usual, after sharing the post on (ryan)vention, I harassed Yankee Candle's poor social media person/team(?) (by the way, Mr. Conroy - if you're somehow reading this and are still on the social media team - your Taco Bell serenade to the jingle of Part of Your World is everything that's good and pure in the universe. Also Tyler Conroy I am not a stalker - I just got REAL curious about who was behind the social accounts for Yankee Candle) and tweeted my love letter to them:

The Battle Cry of Freedom

My Fellow Humans of the United States of America (and, arguably, the world):

As we welcome Donald Trump as the 45th President of the United States of America and we say goodbye to Barack Obama, there's a few things we ought to keep in mind. Among them, in no particular or exhaustive order: humility, respect, understanding, compassion, dignity, acceptance, patience, kindness, tolerance, diversity, facts, opinions, compromise, love, emotion, validation, liberty, and -chiefly - freedom. I have a few things I'd like to say about all of these to some extent, but the purpose and intent of this letter is to discuss the foundation upon which we all sit: freedom.

book (ry)view: Psycho by Robert Bloch

Norman Bates has always lived in the house on the hill overlooking the Bates Motel. The motel often has plenty of rooms, what with the new interstate driving traffic away from the rural highway that used to bring the tourists to it. Because of this, Norman is lonely and...well, a bit odd. Maybe it's the constant pang of loneliness, maybe it takes a special personality to run a business where all you do is meet people from all walks of life. Or maybe - just maybe - it's because Norman's never been quite able to measure up to his mother's expectation. Norman, you see, still lives with his mother - an authoritative woman who, quite frankly, has stifled Norman. There is no escape from Mother, there is no escape from the house, and there are rarely any paying customers. That is, of course, until Mary Crane shows up one stormy night looking for a room. Mary is on the run from her past and a crime she committed trying to make a better future for herself and her fiancee, Sam. Yes, Mary checks into the Bates Motel, but she never checks out. When Mary vanishes, her past comes looking for her: first her sister Lila, then her employer's detective Milton Arbogast, and her fiancee Sam. But that's not bad news for Mary - it's bad news for Norman Bates, who covered up his mother's mess in Room 6. 

book (ry)view: The Princess Diarist by Carrie Fisher

Carrie Fisher has been known for many things: alcoholic, drug addict, champion for mental health care reform, a sharp and dry wit, author, and actress. But one role rises above all these other tragedies and accomplishments. That role, of course, is Princess (now General) Leia Organa.  Fisher takes us through life as the daughter of Hollywood royalty, her desire to achieve normalcy and hesitation on wanting to become an actress, her first role in the film Shampo, and her subsequent casting and propulsion out of Hollywood royalty and into intergalactic royalty as Princess (now General) Leia Organa.

*Finishes Pizza* "Do I Need Ice Cream?" & Other Chunky Thoughts

One of my 2017 macguffolutions is to be healthier – in fact, I proposed that I was going to get physical. In a previous post, I outlined wanting to incorporate a strict regimen of exercise and healthier eating habits. No, I am not writing to tell you about another failed attempt by yours truly to push away the cake. I think we all agree it’s getting a little sad to continue reading about my inability to control myself around such formidable foes as cheese. 

So, no, that’s not what this post is about. Rather, I am writing to tell a success story.

book (ry)view: Cycle of the Werewolf by Stephen King

In the small town of Tarker's Mills, Maine, something dangerous lurks during the full moon. Someone or something is stalking the townspeople and slaughtering them each month. No one knows who or what is responsible. The town begins to wonder if a serial killer is on the loose. Some say it's a vagrant. Others, especially the children, murmur about a werewolf on the prowl. Little by little, they take actions against the predator. They decide to issue a mandatory town curfew. Hunters and dogs go out to find whoever is responsible. They don't know who it will strike next - all they know is when it will strike again. 

book (ry)view: Doctor Sleep by Stephen King

Dan Torrance is haunted not only by the events of his childhood at the Overlook Hotel (see: The Shining), but also by living up to his father's legacy of destruction, violence, and, chiefly, alcoholism. Desperate to alleviate himself of his father's sins and after a particularly harrowing rock bottom, Dan settles in New Hampshire and joins Alcoholics Anonymous, where he meets individuals who - rather than encourage his downward spiral - seek to help him shed his past. He curses off alcohol and becomes an orderly at a nursing home where he uses his now more quiet though still prevalent "shining" to bring peace and comfort to - and ultimately help cross over - individuals who have come under hospice care.

book (ry)view: The Troop by Nick Cutter

Everything is going smoothly for scoutmaster Tim Riggs and his troop of Scouts while on their yearly expedition into the Canadian wilderness. This year, they've chosen an island just off the coast of their hometown - all they have to do is get through the weekend without cell phones and living off the land, and then it's back to civilization they go. Of course, nothing is ever that simple in a horror story. One night, an unexpected visitor comes to Tim asking for help. He is emaciated and he is hungry. Against his better judgment, Tim - a doctor - takes the man back to the cabin where he and the boys are staying so he can try to help the man. Unbeknownst the Tim and the boys, they've just invited a biologically engineered nightmare that will pit Tim and the Scouts against the wilderness, an unknown but rapidly spreading contagion, hysteria, and themselves.