2017 Macguffolutions #8: YEAR OF THE...

YEAR OF THE NOVEL

This is the big one. Now, I've written a full-length novel before (no, it's not published and never will be - at least, not in its current and original state), so I know I am capable of doing so, but it seems extremely daunting right now. But, my ultimate goal would be to write full time for a living. I am not going to get there by NOT writing a novel. I have a big idea. I've plotted it out in my head (and a bit on paper) so I can see where it's going. Now all I have to do is write the damn thing. If I haven't written a full-length novel by year's end, I don't deserve to call myself a writer. For this reason, I hereby declare 2017 as THE YEAR OF THE NOVEL.

2017 Macguffolutions #7: Get Physical

Get Physical: Start - and I mean really start - taking this whole health thing seriously

No, I do not want to join a gym (but thank you to those of you who have offered recommendations and/or services - I really don't know what my problem is with exercising in public places). I think it's time to be realistic about the goals here. I'm approximately the same weight I was a year ago, give or take a few - and I do mean a few - pounds. I'd like to drop 50 pounds over the next year. I know, I know, I shouldn't be so focused on the pounds, but that's the way it's going to be. Even 50 pounds down, I won't be where I should be, but I'll be closer to where I need to be. If I lose more - GREAT! If not, then that's okay, too. But I'd like to be able to say I lost 50 pounds at this time next year.

So, what's the plan...other than losing 50 pounds? SO GLAD YOU ASKED!

• I want to do Zumba 2-3 days a week. No, I do not want to attend a class. I'm going to dust off my DVDs and do it alone in my basement.
• On days when I do not do Zumba, I want to walk (more than on the days when I do Zumba)
• Regardless of whether I do Zumba or walk, I want to fit in 15,000 steps every day
• Eat a diet that consists mostly of lean meats, fruits, and veggies. If I manage to do this consistently, I can "cheat" once a week by having one item that does not fit into those categories. Special occassions, such as Thanksgiving and Christmas, do not count.

The main thing I want to figure out is how to reincorporate exercise into my life. My excuse for leaving it behind was academia. It was a bad excuse, but now I really don't have an excuse - even a bad one. I can take the stairs, walk to the furthest restroom, park farther away in the parking lot, and walk around the block a few times a day. 

2017 Macguffolutions #6: Get Organized

Get Organized: Use a daily planner.

I used the be the most organized person on the planet*,but ever since leaving academia, I have managed to leave the planners behind to live the ~unplanned life~. While that's all fine and dandy, I'm not getting any writing done. Since Ryan has become all play and no work (outside of his 9-5), I am going to have to start scheduling out such things. This planner will be especially important when it comes to accomplishing the BIG macguffolution for 2017.

*Unsubstantiated claim, since that's what's vogue right now.

2017 Macguffolutions #5: Write

Write: Complete a different writing prompt for 20 minutes every day.

I have three writing prompt books collecting dust on my desk. When I was in undergrad, I made it a point - even after switching to a Communication & Rhetorical Studies major - to write to a writing prompt for 20 minutes (no more, no less) every day. Many of these prompts have led to ideas (or the full fruition) of larger works. 

2017 Macguffolutions #4: Journal

Journal: Begin journaling three positive things per day.

Per my 2016 macguffolutions in review, I want to take one of those 2016 macguffolutions and really try to find a semi-measurable way to track my progress. I am cynical and I am pessimistic, and while I do not view either of these personal attributes negatively, I know cynics and pessimists aren't always the funnest to be around. There's also a difference between being cynical and pessimistic and just being down in the dumps and negative - it's these latter two attributes I would like to work on.

So, what's my big idea? While traveling in November, I took to bullet journaling - I didn't get into too much detail about anything, but I wrote down significant moments of the day so I could look back on them later and remember them that way. It led to some really interesting developments, including an entire short story about a busker in the London Tube. 

So, in 2017, I am going to hold myself to writing down 3 positive things - what I am thankful for, what I observed, what I really enjoyed about the day, why I am appreciative of the people around me - every single day. I think forcing myself to look at what is so positive in my life instead of focusing on what perhaps could have been better will really help to get me out of the blues I sometimes find myself in.

2017 Macguffolutions #3: Read 70 Books

Read 70 books. Among those 70, finish reading the works** of Stephen King.

I read a lot of Stephen King in 2016, and even became a part of a Stephen King book club with some friends. Given that he is probably my favorite contemporary author, I figure I should read his complete works. I'm about halfway through them as of right now - so only 1 million more to go (technically 45). Here are the works I have yet to read, but will be reading in 2017:

• Bag of Bones
• The Bazaar of Bad Dreams
• Black House
• Blaze (as Richard Bachman)
• Christine
• The Colorado Kid
• Cycle of the Werewolf
• The Dark Tower: The Wastelands
• The Dark Tower: Wizard and Glass
• The Dark Tower: The Wind Through the Keyhole
• The Dark Tower: Wolves of the Calla
• The Dark Tower: Song of Susannah
• The Dark Tower
• The Dead Zone
• Desperation
• Different Seasons
• Dolores Claiborne
• Dreamcatcher
• Duma Key
• End of Watch
• Finders Keepers
• Firestarter
• From a Buick 8
• Four Past Midnight
• Full Dark, No Stars
• Hearts in Atlantis
• Insomnia
• It (*GASP* I know, I know)
• Just After Sunset
• Lisey's Story
• The Long Walk (as Richard Bachman)
• Mr. Mercedes
• Nightmares and Dreamscapes
• Nightshift
• The Plant
• The Regulators
• Roadwork (as Richard Bachman)
• Rose Madder
• The Running Man (as Richard Bachman)
• Secret Windows: Essays and Fiction on the Craft of Writing
• Skeleton Crew
• Thinner (as Richard Bachman)
• The Tommyknockers
• Under the Dome

**Not included on this list are two nonfiction books - Nightmares in the Sky and Faithful - 

and several uncollected short stories. 

As for the 70 books, I almost got there (hey, I've still got a few days) this year with a goal of 50 - so I figured, why not?

No new macguffolutions tomorrow or Christmas - but to all my dear readers, MERRY CHRISTMAS! 

2017 Macguffolutions #2: Escape

Escape: Go on a Writer's Retreat

I came up with this idea during our recent trip to Europe. I'd been in a bit of a creative downward spiral. Sometimes I'd come up with half-baked ideas only to never actually get them fully fleshed out, other times I wouldn't be able to think of a single thing to write. It was frustrating and discouraging, writer's block at its finest. But I kept finding myself feeling uninspired. Then I saw stuff like this, and the creative factory was back in business.

Tower Bridge, London, England

A street leading to the Duomo in Florence, Italy

Bridge over the Arno River in Florence, Italy

The Colosseum, Rome, Italy

The Castillo, Rome, Italy

Notre Dame, Paris, France.

C'mon, who wouldn't be inspired?

The idea of escaping for a weekend by myself has always been something I want to do. Then I read about the concept of the writer's retreat - basically, you go away (far-ish away) to somewhere you think will inspire you. It doesn't have to be remote (but for many introverted writers like myself, it probably would be), but it has to be somewhere where you are clear of distractions and can just write. We're talking 8 hours of writing each day on the retreat. It doesn't matter what you write, but it should be something you have been wanting to get done. Be it that short story idea you've had bouncing around in your head, the novel you began and never finished, or just prepping a manuscript to send over to an agent or publisher, from what I have read, a writer's retreat can really help you get what you need to do done so you can move on to the next thing.

Once you've actually written some things, you go and explore wherever you are and marvel at something new. You keep a journal (or a blog...) of your writer's adventure. You make notes about the people you met and what you experienced. You eat at a local restaurant or drink at a local bar and just watch and make up stories about the people you see there. And then, after a few days, you come back not only refreshed, but with some pretty amazing work and ideas on paper.

Oh, and don't worry, I plan to write about our European adventure in the coming weeks - more pictures to follow!

2017 Macguffolutions #1: Snail Mail 2.0

Before last December, I didn't believe in the annual tradition of using January 1st to set goals known as "resolutions" to accomplish by December 31st. Why? Because I was a grumpier version of my old man self at this time last year. While I do intend on further cultivating my grumpy old man persona, in 2016, I managed to prove myself mostly wrong about resolutions - macguffolutions here in (ryan)vention land - so I am upping the ante and committing myself to a few more macguffolutions in 2017.

Starting today, I am going to post one 2017 macguffolution every day until December 30th (with the exception of December 24th and 25th because, holidays). Because I feel like dragging this out and because I want to litter your newsfeeds. (ryan)vention is the holiday gift that ~keeps on giving~.

The first 2017 macguffolution is a variation of a 2016 macguffolution that could use a *little* bit of work.

Snail Mail 2.0: Send out Christmas cards and "just because" notes

I've said this before and I will say it again, the art of letter writing is dying. 

HAPPY CHRISTMAS, HARRY

Between email, texting, and other messaging platforms, nobody really sees the value in handwriting a note and sending it via good ole USPS. Financial considerations (those forever stamps are 'spensive, yo) and environmental concerns aside (who needs the rainforest, AMIRIGHT? I'm not right), there is something about receiving a letter in an envelope in your mailbox that is magical. Whether it's the journey the letter took to get to you or the thoughtfulness behind it existing in the first place (or pretending it's finally Hogwarts calling you home - or, for some of us, the Yankee Candle Flagship Store *cough*), no one is ever sad to receive mail that is not a bill or junk. 

I'm also kind of the worst at being a long distance friend. 

All of my long distance friends right now IRL

Now, this works out as long as the long distance friend is also the worst at being a long distance friend, because you can be the worst long distance friends together and have that to bond over. However, when you have friends that are the best (or try to be the best) at being long distance friends, I imagine it's difficult when it's not reciprocated. Since I hate talking on the phone and am, in general, awful at texting back (I do that thing where I chuckle, gasp, frown, or nod at the text, and then never actually respond by texting back), I figured I would start sending said friends some little notes in the mail. I'm not promising anything groundbreaking here, but it's important that friends know you care and think about them.

As for Christmas cards, I actually intended to do send them in 2016. I even bought the cards on discount in January 2016. They have cats in stockings and dogs warming their tooshies on the fire. They are the definition of cozy. I planned on starting them (because I wanted to do one of those newsletter -style greetings) in September. Then I said October. Then we jaunted over to Europe for November. Now it's a few days from Christmas and, frankly, I missed the opportunity. As a result, I am holding myself to sending them out in 2017. 

You receiving my letters in 2017. Also another HP gif. Because I can.

Be on the lookout for macguffolution #2 tomorrow! Until then, peace 'n blessin's.

Macguffolutions 2016: My Year of Discovery

2016 has been a strange year - it seems like every day, my newsfeed is packed with new articles outlining all the reasons 2016 was the worst year ever. Everyone's favorite celebrities have died (see: David Bowie, Alan Rickman, Prince, Florence Henderson, Gene Wilder, etc.). Brexit happened. Kim Kardashian was held at gunpoint in a Parisian hotel room (and people said really disgusting things about it). Tensions between racial minority groups and the police are at a seemingly all-time high (or, perhaps, we've just now started paying attention). We hired a reality TV star to our highest political office. The KKK and other alt-right white supremacist groups are holding rallies and parades in public daylight. 

Our one saving grace this year was Gilmore Girls: A Year in the Life, and even that was nearly thrown out because of the last four words (for the record, I support the last four words - and I do not need any more Gilmore Girls in my life).

Fortunately for all of us, 2016 is almost over and 2020 is only four years away. 

Confessions of a Candle Fandle

I think I have made my position on Yankee Candle quite clear:

My position on Yankee Candle

Yankee Candle and I have had some good times, many of which have happened on this blog:

Exhibit A

Exhibit B

Exhibit C

Exhibit D

Exhibit D 1/2

Exhibit E

Exhibit E 1/2

Exhibit F: the official (ryan)vention candle is born

My 6 Favorite Books of '16

One of my macguffolutions in 2016 was to read 50 new books, because I'm adult and I can read good. This meant that I would finally have to force myself to stop buying books and start reading the literal hundreds I already had on my book shelves. Well, here comes the end of December 2016 and the whole not-buying-books thing didn't work out. Instead, I signed up to be a Barnes & Noble member and became borderline-psychotic in buying books from them over the course of the last 12 months because I want booksellers to remain in business - even the big conglomerate-y ones. Having said that, I did manage to read over 50 books this year. YAY ME! 

Me Yay

I've only managed to truly review one book in 2016, and it was for The Birthing House, a garbage book I have referenced far too many times on this blog and am upset with myself for mentioning yet again, so I'm moving on. Given that I truly do love books because I can read good, I figured I'd review my 6 favorite books of '16, because I know you all value my opinion more than you value cheese, and that's a lot. Just kidding. No one values anything more than cheese. If you do, you're a garbage person. I'm kidding. Maybe. I like cheese. 

Am I (ryan)vented yet?

If you’re new here, let me give you a little snapshot of what was going on with me one year ago: I had been married to my best friend for just a little over six months, I was in a new non-academic career for a little over seven months, I recently defended my Master’s thesis project and graduated from my graduate school program, I started repaying my student loans, and I proclaimed that I was showing “symptoms of ‘adulting’.” All in all, it likely appeared to the casual observer that I had my life together, more or less.

The truth is that I was in a pretty dark place one year ago. Despite the relative stability of my life and how grateful I was for said stability, I felt surprisingly lost. I’m a millennial, so I am used to never being truly satisfied with anything in my life, but this time it was different. This time I knew that I should not be feeling so lost. I knew I should just be grateful for what I had. I knew I should be satisfied with the way my life had turned out so far.

The problem, of course, was that aside from being married, I wasn’t satisfied. Despite the life I had and despite all of the wonderful opportunities I’d had, I felt empty. I couldn’t get the following pestering, infuriating, consuming thought out of my head:

Is this it for me?

To provide some additional context, I had been in academia for 22 years of my life by the time I graduated from my Master’s program and found myself writing the first blog post for (ryan)vention. All I knew up to that point was academia. All I had ever worked for was to further advance through the world of academia. All I had worked for up to that point was the next assignment or the next paper or the next test or the next grade and, ultimately, the next celebration for my academic efforts.

In sum, I’d become a bit of a snowflake.

Sure, I had worked multiple part- (and let’s be honest, basically full- with no benefits) jobs since I was 16. I’d had internships. I’d been involved in a whole slew of co-curricular activities. But they were always in the moment. I knew none of the part/full-time jobs or internships or co-curricular activities were permanent in my life. They all served to get me to where I was ultimately going, wherever that was.

Imagine my surprise when graduation came and all I felt was emptiness. In retrospect, it makes sense. I was leaving the only real institution I had ever known – the one that came with all the assignments and papers and tests and grades and degrees and part-/full-time jobs and internships and co-curricular activities and celebrating – and I was entering the first truly unknown phase of my life. There was no plan. I was married. I had a job. I was paying my bills. I was adulting. I had, “accepted that the best version of myself was the one holding a family size bag of Cheetos in my left hand and a ‘sharing’ size bottle of chardonnay in my right while watching Chelsea Handler and Amy Schumer (#SquadGoals) reruns with three dozen cats sitting on and around my person and managing Grizabella's social media accounts” (actual quote from very first blog entry). But my life had been planned out for me by the world of academia up until December 2015. After that, it was my turn to plan out my own life. You’d think I’d be up to the task after spending so much time in an institution that taught me to think for myself, but at the time I felt totally unequipped to do so.

I wasn’t fun to be around at this time last year – you can tell up through my Pad Thai Meltdown – four months into (ryan)vention – that I was zero fun to be around. I was down on myself for the loss of my writing. I was down on myself for my weight gain. I was down on myself for having a baditude (which only increased said baditude). I was even down on an innocent book that never did anything to me (but, truly, The Birthing House was the worst book I read in 2016 and maybe my entire life – bad enough that it gave me hopes of one day being published because, if that garbage book could get published, then surely I could get published – but I digress).

Truly, the source of this no-fun me and the most important thing to note about this time last year is that I wasn’t working toward anything.

I had toyed with the idea of creating and maintaining a blog for a while before this one came to fruition. Craig and I maintained one (kinda) through our engagement and wedding planning process, but once the wedding happened the blog seemed a little pointless. I tried keeping a few through both high school and undergrad, but I always ended up deleting them. Be it the unrealistic expectations, the constant internal battles of thinking that what I have to say doesn’t matter, the struggle to balance having a creative outlet and wanting the gratification of having people read and enjoy it, or just making a laundry list of excuses or “better things to do” – maintaining a blog was something I never thought I would be able to do. Looking back now, I think it was less to do with all of those insecurities and more to do with the fact that it was never the right time.  But it was the aforementioned realization that I wasn’t working toward anything that ultimately created what you’re reading today: I needed to set a course for myself to find my next “thing” – my next macguffin. So that’s what I have been doing.

(ryan)vention saved me. ~So MeLoDrAmAtIc~

I like to think we’ve had some good times this year. Full disclosure, I am shamelessly linking to previous posts (my personal favorites) from the last year “in case you missed ‘em”:

• Yankee Candle here, here, and here
• Fake Patrick’s Day 
• A Crossroads conspiracy theory
• Manual Labor
• Stories from not a child prodigy/third author of a textbook
• Pokemon Go
• Learning about sportsball

The person desperately trying to figure out what to do next with himself is a stranger to me now. I don’t want to ever feel that lost again. Call it a quarter-life crisis. Call it an existential crisis. Call it being a snowflake. Whatever it was, it propelled me to do and be better. I’m happier now than I’ve ever been before. I’m writing more than I’ve ever written. I’m happy. And that pretty much sums it up.

It's hard to believe that it's been a year since I started this blog. Thank you for making this year a successful one, dear readers, and for staying with me through this adventure (no matter how irregular or infrequent the content may be). I am looking forward to what comes next, and sharing those moments with all of you.

To the adventure.

– Ryan 

Good Vibes Needed

I told myself over a month ago - I told all of YOU over a month ago - that I wasn't going to accept this anymore. I was going to work out and I was going to make real changes to the decisions I made about food. I told myself that I wouldn't eliminate anything from my diet - I extended an olive branch TO MYSELF, knowing that cutting things from my diet doesn't get me anywhere.

Over 1,000 of you read that blog entry. I had somewhere around thirty people reach out and tell me they believed in me and they were on this journey with me. And that kept me going. It kept me going so much so, in fact, that I wrote this just five days after I wrote the other entry:

It can be really easy to forget the kindness of others. But sometimes, if we just look closely, the world is pretty great. 

On Sunday, I wrote a new entry. It was mostly me being upset and super negative toward myself for letting my fitness routine and healthy eating habits fall by the wayside for the last three years, even after I made the promise to myself and all of you that I would make great changes this year. It actually started off as a Facebook status update, but it ended up being entirely too long and I personally refuse, as a rule, to clutter the newsfeeds of my friends with my paragraphs of whining. So naturally, I posted it to (ryan)vention. I promoted it on my newsfeed with a disclaimer: Warning. I'm going to be really negative about myself. Feel free to keep scrolling.  

It was intended to be a "drop it and leave it" post. I did not think anyone would read it. I didn't think it would really speak to anyone. It wasn't the standard stuff you see around (ryan)vention - it wasn't funny, exactly (though some people did seem to have a chuckle or two about fat and sassy cats) and it wasn't about anything ridiculous. I just had a lot of negative energy surrounding me and tons of really terrible thoughts about myself that just kept tumbling around in my head. I needed to get those thoughts out of me and into the universe. That probably sounds selfish, but I couldn't keep doing the self loathing cycle. That cycle kept me on the couch and devouring entire pizzas in one sitting. That cycle kept me feeling unhealthy. 

But then the craziest thing happened. You all happened. All 1,214 (this number will be outdated by the time this actually gets posted) of you read the entry that started off as a status update; that I thought no one would read; that no one would hear or relate to; that was basically me hating myself out loud. Now, for the truly well read blogger, 1,214 is no big deal: many bloggers have 100,000+ readers every post. But 1,214 to me was incredible. Keep in mind: my most popular entry before the one I am talking about here had 625 readers, and it was about Pokemon Go. So when I kept seeing the number of readers climb, I was flabbergasted.  

But it didn't stop there. For the first time, I had an overwhelming amount of interaction with the blog. I received three comments on the entry itself, and 21 comments on my personal Facebook page expressing words of total encouragement. And you know what? It's worked. I am now on Day 5 of this new journey, and I am feeling more motivated than ever before.  

There are few things I dislike more than working out. Sure, I enjoy the after high of all the endorphins, but beyond that - NOPE. I'd rather do anything else. But knowing people are having similar experiences and rooting for me has really motivated me the last five days and pushed me to go further when I could easily stop instead. For that: I can't thank you enough.

I wrote that and never published it. I wanted to go back and publish it once I had stuck to this for a month - this new attitude was no longer an attitude, but a habit. But somehow, after two weeks, I lost the motivation. I lost motivation even after I managed to trim off 14 pounds in 10 days (maybe not the healthiest weight loss, admittedly). I fell back into eating out. I fell back into staying seated instead of taking 45 minutes to walk around the neighborhood. I fell back into the mindset that it didn't matter: I am happy, more or less, emotionally speaking. I am in a good place psychologically (at least, I think I am). So what if I'm carrying around extra weight? 

And then I tried on my jeans. Didn't fit. And then I tried on my sweaters. Didn't fit. And then I tried on my hoodies. Didn't fit. I tried on my sweatpants and, by some cruel twist of fate, they fit somehow better than ever. My favorite season is winter (followed closely by fall) for the sheer fact that I get to wear ALL OF THE AFOREMENTIONED THINGS. I shoved everything back into my dresser drawers and wondered what I was going to do. I hate shopping because finding sizes that actually look okay on me is nearly impossible to do. I hate spending money on bigger sizes because that's committing to the idea that this is a long term state of existence. I can't afford to keep buying a new wardrobe just because I can't push away from the pizza box. So, double whammy: nothing fits and now I have to go out and try to find something that does.

How did this happen? Why do I keep doing this to myself? My family has a proven history of heart disease and yet I am doing nothing to stop myself from meeting the same fate. 

And so, I never published the post above. The fact that it was sitting there - a now-lie (once truth) written - is half the reason I went silent for almost two months (the other half being the new Boys Will Be Boys series). I felt like a fraud. Here I was, committing myself to doing something, and I didn't do it. And worst yet, I had evidence that it had been going well - it had been working - and I just stopped working towards the goal. What an inauthentic person I turned out to be, I thought. And so, instead of admitting this upfront, I chose instead to say nothing at all - because if you don't talk about it, you don't have to face it.

I can't figure out why getting healthier is so hard this time. I've lost the weight before. I know logically that I can do it. It was not this hard this first time - I was excited and nothing could stop me from doing what I needed to do to be healthy. So what's different now? Have I just become this complacent in my own health journey? Have I just accepted that making promises and not keeping them not only to myself, but to all of you, is fine? It's not fine. Carrying around extra weight does matter. It matters to your bank account - BELIEVE ME, it costs way more to be unhealthy. It matters to your heart. It matters to your life. It matters to your family. It matters to your friends. It matters. And when you stop caring about your health, you may as well stop caring about everything else around you. 

I can't keep doing this. I know I keep saying that, but I can't. And I can't keep saying it and not doing anything about it. I'm sorry in advance for the routine health-related posts I'll be making - some of them may be long, some of them may be short - but I have to do something to keep myself honest and in check. I stopped writing about it when I started the blog because I didn't want to annoy people. I had the same mentality when I never followed up on my most recent post on this topic. If you don't want to read them, please feel free to disregard - I'll make it clear with every single post that it's about my health journey so you can feel free to opt out. But I have to do this for me. I have to do this for my bank account. I have to do this for my heart. I have to do this for my friends. I have to do this for my family.

I have to do this for my life.


PS: I still don't want to work out with people, but I appreciate the thoughts. If you could find it in your hearts JUST ONE MORE TIME to throw some positive vibes my way, I could really use those right now.

Hunger on the Garden Level

Disclaimer: What follows is a hypersensationalized, hyperdramatized, and hyperfictionalized (though all based on a much more boring true story) account of hunger during the lunch hour at work. Names have been removed to protect the not-so-innocent. Although it seems like the entire story takes place over a period of hours, actual time spent searching for food lasted less than an actual lunch hour (lasting approximately 15 minutes). 


Backstory: a few weeks ago, my entire division at work was moved across the parking lot and onto the ~garden level~ of a nearby building with an acronym I have given up on learning because I don't want to ask my go-to Know It All what it means for the 506th time. I may know the acronym and the name of the building, but am lying to you for dramatic effect. I have a theory that the building was vacant before we got there, because I have not seen a single person other than (1) those of us on the ~garden level~, (2) the gatekeeper in the main lobby, and (3) the quiet ones who scurry about on the top floor at the slightest hint of a human's presence. There are no windows on the ~garden level~ because, underground. I'm lying about the top floor. They seem like perfectly nice and normal introverts.

Anyway, we're all on the ~garden level~ because our old area is being renovated for the next century to make room for Fab Collab spaces. Luckily, we all get along, but there have been some adjustments to make. For example, it's "frowned upon" to stand on our desks at noon and scream "food fight" now. In addition, we've had to make do without a real cafeteria in the same building where we work, and the parking lot that stands between the ~garden level~ and our old building is about the size of the Atlantic Ocean (five minutes walking time). This distance combined with "sunshine" and "weather patterns" makes it impossible to ever go to the cafeteria, so we just resign ourselves to starve on the ~garden level~.

Well, being that food is my main vice outside of wine and Yankee Candle, I obviously couldn't allow myself to starve for even one day. Plus, I think food is a macguffin we can all believe in. And so that brings me to our story for today.

I Am Tired of Being Fat

Warning. I'm going to be really negative about myself. Feel free to keep scrolling.

Sports (un)Authority | Rugby is not Lacrosse on Horses

Most of you wouldn't be surprised to find out that I know nothing about sports.

And honestly, I don't really want to know about them. I think the names of sports are stupid. Football barely involves a foot from what I've seen, but the sport that actually involves feet almost exclusively is called soccer (futbol in places not called the United States). Baseball should be called Batball. Basketball is fine, but sometimes I feel like lacrosse should be called basketball and basketball should be called hoopball or dribbleball or throw ball. Dodgeball makes complete sense to me, because obviously. Volleyball should be called netball or something. Tennis should be called racquetball, and don't even get me started on actual racquetball or as I call it WALLBALL.

But listen, when people stop trying to learn about things - even especially those things which they couldn't care less about - we end up with orange idiots running for president. I don't want to be an orange idiot.

And so I bring you Sports (un)Authority, a maybe-every-once-in-a-while segment where I try to learn about sports. How did this come to be? Good question.

A group of coworkers and I were signing up to see "Ray McElroy of the Chicago Bears" speak about something maybe-not-sports-related-but-maybe-sports-related (I didn't really read the whole email or listen to them explain it to me twice), so I asked the obvious question:

Ryan: Do you have to like soccer to see Ray McElroy?

If I had known the storm I was brewing, I would have just kept my mouth shut or googled before I asked. 

How I Became the (Third) Author of a Textbook

...chapter. Textbook chapter. Sorry for the click baitish title.

ANYWAY. You guys. Something 'uuuuuuuge has happened. 

I debated on even writing about it, because I'm not super into the whole ~humble brag~ thing, but this is exciting and semi-related to a macguffolution (and also basically a back up solution in case I get too lazy/scared about one of those macguffolutions). But it's mostly exciting and, damn it, I want to share exciting stuff with all of you. 

And I also kinda wanna humble brag. Sorry for lying earlier.

Y'all. I got published in a textbook. NOT KIDDING.

Unity

We are a country no longer defined by unity, but by divisiveness. Somehow, we are still divided on race. We are still divided on gender equality. We are divided on what constitutes violence. We are divided on what constitutes as terrorism. We are divided on what hashtag we should use when advocating for the lives of all people, going as far as to take sides on whose lives matter more, when that wasn’t the intention of the original hashtag to begin with.

Horrific things keep happening, but all we can do is divide. People are living in terror in other countries. People are living in fear and isolation at home. People are living lives contrary to who they truly are because they don’t want to offend anyone or risk their life for being themselves – they don’t want to be divided from everyone else, so they divide from those they identify most with. And when we explain why we’ve divided, we say it’s because the other side divided first. We are so quick to respond that we fail to listen in the first place.

Fear, hate, anger, sadness, and grief have engulfed us. I don’t know about you, but that’s a lot of darkness in world that has so much light in it. The most heartbreaking thing we can do is to use that darkness to shroud out the light, and yet we continue to block out the light.

Listen, I get it. I am so proud to see the passion so many of my friends have for the future of this country. I am glad you are worried – I am, too. I am so happy that you are all able to and feel free to express your views and opinions. And I am, in a sense, as disappointed as you are – jaded with the political process of this country.

But I am also scared. For the first time, I am scared of my fellow Americans. I am scared for my fellow Americans. I am scared that this period of civil unrest is going to lead to civil war. I am scared that no one seems to care about that – they only care about their opinions on weapons and whose lives matter more. I am scared that we have lost our humanity. Even as a gay person in this country, I’ve never felt true fear until now. What do we do when we, the people, fall victim to our prejudices and fears and instead resort to violence? The answer, of course, is disorder. Unrest. Anarchy.

So when two candidates come together in the face of adversity to fight against tyranny, it is heart wrenching to see so many respond divisively. Don’t stop reading: I am not about to campaign for anyone. That’s not what this space is for. I'm not here to further divide. I don’t care what your political affiliation is, seeing politicians come together on the same stage to stand together in unity against a common threat is something we ought to value. It is something we ought to aspire to. It is something we ought to use to demonstrate that we can unify. It is evident that we ought to unify.

What I saw on that stage today was not one candidate giving up. I did not see the establishment overtaking an unsuspecting old man. I saw a united front in the face the common threats to our rights not even as Americans, but as a global community. A united front toward a threat to the common good of humanity. I am proud of my country. To survive, we have to remember the central intention for why we came to this country to begin with: to unify against those who seek to divide. We are greater than those who seek to divide us. We are the prophets of tomorrow.

I cannot be sad in the face of unity. 

Cat's Outta the Bag: Dogs are Peasants ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

COME AT ME, I DARE YOU.

Let me just forewarn you: this entry looks way longer than it actually is, but it's mostly pictures of mine and Craig's dog and cat. Listen, if we can suffer through thousands of identical photos of your children, you can take a minute to suffer through the photos of our offspring.* 

It's come to my attention that I am putting a certain ~image~ out there on the Internets. How did it come to my attention, you ask? Well, allow me to demonstrate:

You bet your sweet tooshie this made you think of me.

Pokemon Go

C'mon, you guys. You had to know this was coming.

Everybody's saying, "Oh, but I walked 100,000 steps today trying to find Charmander" or "my child walked 2 miles away from home and didn't even realize it just to find Alakazam" or "Pokemon Go will cure childhood obesity." Okay. You guys. Let's just simmer the hell down for a minute and think about what is being said here. Fine, you're getting your steps in and little Sally and Bobby are finally off the couch not picking their noses, but only because you/they ARE LOOKING FOR FAKE ANIMALS(?) and wasting hours upon hours of their previous lives AND POSSIBLY GETTING LOST IN THE PROCESS. You know what happens when people get lost? ALMOST ALWAYS NOTHING GREAT.

Manual Laboring

Confession that's gonna BLOW YOUR MIND. I'm not greeeeat at the whole "manual labor" thing. I also use the term a bit more liberally than I probably should. It's become a synonym for "things Ryan does not want to do." More accurately, "things Ryan does not know how to do and does not see the point in learning how to do since 1/3 of his life is already over." Even more accurately, "things Craig does." 

To give you a better idea of how I react to manual labor, I maybe related too much to this guy's Snapchat story, because mowing the yard is the most absurd and infuriating chore ever created. Who was THAT bored that mowing became a thing? Why can't we all just agree that the world we all want to live in is one where we all keep goats or sheep or whatever animal eats grass like I eat pizza in our yards at all times to keep the grass as levels where sad boring peasant neighbors won't gossip about you and your non-conforming yard. 

Neighbor: "World peace? Nah, let's make sure we talk about how that guy does not mow his yard. That's the real issue." 

But seriously I think Ricky aka Snapchat story guy and I are like shade twins or something, though he admittedly took too long to bring Beyonce into the story. Not throwing shade, just saying I would have drawn a comparison between myself and Queen Bey long before he did NOT THAT I THINK I AM AT ALL EQUAL TO BEYONCE, ILLUMINATI.

I HAVE FORGOTTEN WHERE I WAS GOING WITH THIS POST.

'bout dem 'lutions (and other updates)

Remember that one time when I threw shade at everyone who has made New Years resolutions? Remember that one time when I made a list of macguffolutions (which is just my loser way of trying to brand my New Year resolutions) and said GOSH DARN IT I'M GON' STICK TO 'EM (...in the same post where I proclaimed resolutions were stupid)? Remember when I sounded super confident about it? Remember when I said that I would scoff with all of you on December 21st, 2017 if I didn't stick to them? Remember when we all collectively decided at that moment that we would schedule an all day event on December 31st, 2017 to scoff at my failure to stick to these macguffolutions?

Good times.

And then remember how I never talked about those macguffolutions again?