Are You There, Yankee Candle? It's Me, Ryan

Ever since I started (ryan)vention, several of my friends have been asking me to write about a very specific topic: Yankee Candle. I struggled with this request for a few reasons. First, (ryan)vention is all about reinvention and intervention. I felt that writing about my very small obsession with Yankee Candle did not merit either of these because I DON'T HAVE A PROBLEM, OKAY?

Second, I felt that there were ulterior motives associated with the request. My friends knew that getting me to go gathering would be slim to impossible without the promise of wine, pizza, cats, and no people being present at said gathering because anything they could use to convince me are all things I could find at home. This roadblock would ultimately dismantle any attempts they could make toward staging a group intervention. I have really smart friends. They knew that if they got me to write about my VERY SMALL candle habit on my blog, they knew they wouldn't have to put forth any effort in tricking convincing me to leave my house for an intervention and I would have to stop and smell the True Rose candles on my own. 

Third, I knew I'd have to detail just how serious this little candle hoarding "problem" might be. 

Okay. Fine. Challenge accepted, peasants.

Actual photograph of heaven. #CandleEnvy

So let's talk about this picture. If it weren't for the candles, you'd probably wonder if I was a pretty well adjusted individual. Do you think this would look any better for me if I looked like that and instead of candles, there were just  a plethora of felines? Do you think I would look any saner if I looked like that in a bathtub full of wine? Do you think I would look any more extroverted if I looked like that with NOTHING ELSE IN THE PHOTO BUT ME? The answers to all of the above is None of the Above.

I mean, look at me. I look beautiful. That face is one of euphoria. I'm so proud. I'm having fun! Do you think anyone has ever had this much fun literally burning their money away? No. The answer is no, they have not. 







Do you wonder if I could fit more candles into a single photograph? Well the answer is yes.

Taj Majal, eat your heart out. THIS is a true wonder of the world. Not pictured: Silver Birchwood large jar candle, 2 tart warmers, 1 car jar, 2 room sprays, 2 scent spheres, and 2 peasant candles (non-Yankee Candle brand candles)

I know I should be embarrassed, but LOL I'm not. I'm really proud of my fire hazards. Listen, I'm not going to sit here and defend myself to you people because we all have our "thing." This could be a far worse situation. It's not like I'm showing you an entire bar full of empty liquor bottles or me shoveling cocaine into a wheelbarrow, okay? If that ever happens, please, intervene. But since that isn't happening, let's just cut the wick now and be rational about what we're looking at it in this photograph. 

• 36 large jar candles (I forgot one before taking the picture - so the total count for the home is 37)
• 3 large tumbler candles
• 1 large vase candle
• 1 medium jar candle
• 3 medium tumbler candles
• 3 small tumbler candles
• 6 votive candles
• and 19 wax tart melts

Some of you are probably disappointed that you thought I was kidding about my collection this whole time. I would say that the joke's on you, but that's not true. I know this does not look good for me or for my quest to convince everyone (1) I don't have a problem and (2) I'm not basic. But I'm not writing this entry to make myself look good. I'm not delusional. I actually said the words, "I promise to only spend an agreed-upon amount at Yankee Candle per year" in my vows. It took me 30 minutes just to locate and arrange all of the candles AND I STILL MANAGED TO FORGET ONE and probably 10 others I've forgotten about somewhere. 

Shockingly, there have been some "concerns" about my little "problem." Most of these concerns come from well meaning friends and family. I think even the Candle Nymphs at the local Candle Shrine have become concerned, though that does not stop them from giving me coupons which they know I will use. 

The concern in her eyes is
insincere and ungrateful. 

Just look at Grizabella's feigned concern. The only concern she has is whether or not I'm going to clean out her cat box today or next month. And look at her face. Judgy cat. Did I adopt you from the streets? Yes, so I think my priorities are together here. Also, I never judge you when I walk in on you rolling around in your catnip, so I'd appreciate the same level of respect, okay?

I'm not going to pretend that I would not do some very questionable things in exchange for small jar candle, including the Masculinity is So Fragile  Man Scents. I'm also not going to pretend that the posed photo below is outside of the realm of possibility at this point. 

A world without candles is a world Boots and I are not interested in.

Anyway, Yankee Candle Gods and Goddesses - if you're listening, send some candles. I'm really worried that my stock might be getting low. And if you ever think you need a brand ambassador, I think it's pretty obvious that you don't.