Pokemon Go

C'mon, you guys. You had to know this was coming.

Everybody's saying, "Oh, but I walked 100,000 steps today trying to find Charmander" or "my child walked 2 miles away from home and didn't even realize it just to find Alakazam" or "Pokemon Go will cure childhood obesity." Okay. You guys. Let's just simmer the hell down for a minute and think about what is being said here. Fine, you're getting your steps in and little Sally and Bobby are finally off the couch not picking their noses, but only because you/they ARE LOOKING FOR FAKE ANIMALS(?) and wasting hours upon hours of their previous lives AND POSSIBLY GETTING LOST IN THE PROCESS. You know what happens when people get lost? ALMOST ALWAYS NOTHING GREAT.


Listen, I can appreciate the good it's bringing to the world. For a few hours we aren't fighting about race (why is that still a thing, by the way - just stop being assholes to each other BYE) or trying to tell people where to go to the restroom or trying to tell people what genitalia they should or should not have/identify with or talking about how evil Hillary and Trump are, and instead everyone is coming together in a virtual reality to just get along. There's a certain nostalgia for many of us regarding Pokemon (or as Tammi said it back in the day, ~Pokeman~). Even I went through a year in my life where I collected the cards and played the games on Gameboy ~Color~.

This is all nice. But why can't you all just play video games like normal people? Why did you have to go and turn it all outdoorsey choresy like a bunch of animals? What kind of sick people are you? How am I supposed to to keep sitting here on my couch playing video games on my TV when there's a bunch of people on my porch trying to knife each other over a Pikachu, only to find out they've been trying to fit an orange cat into an actual ball the whole time?

Maybe I'm making it too personal here, but I have enough things to battle for my husband's attention without adding this crap to the mix. Listen, I wasn't exaggerating when I said my husband is too busy not letting anyone else direct theater. I LITERALLY NEVER KNOW WHAT SHOW HE IS DIRECTING OR BUILDING SETS FOR OR WHATEVER. So, when he walked through the door yesterday afternoon and his phone was making happy chirping noises and he barely got a greeting out of his mouth, I was NOT FEELING THIS WHOLE POKEMON THING. First of all, I barely recognized him because I never see him and almost called the cops because I thought he was an intruder. That's probably our own separate thing to work on, but regardless, even after I recognized him he sat there making his phone chirp over and over while describing how ~cool~ the game was for at least 30 minutes. 

And the sick part? I don't even think he was telling me about the game or how cool it is. I think he was talking to the Snorlax on our dining room table.

It doesn't end there, though. He played it in our friend Wintress' car all the way to the ole Red Lobster and CONVERTED POOR WINTRESS TO THE GAME. So naturally I'm thinking this is gonna be a pretty silent dinner outside of the chirping. Luckily, we were meeting two other friends, so I could at least have hope that they weren't playing it and wouldn't be converted. 

We walked in to Red Lobster and do you know what happened when we saw the lobster tank? Craig got out his phone and he tried to capture a lobster in his virtual Pokeball while yelling "I FOUND KRABBY!"* 

I thought I was going to have to put him down.

To Craig and Wintress' creds, they didn't really play it during dinner, though it was the main topic of conversation other than cannibalism and the world ending. 

We were going to see Sweeney Todd at the Muni, a local outdoor theater I've written about before, and I vowed to myself and everyone else that I would only accept Pokemon Go into my heart if:

Well, guess what? Nobody did that. So I haven't accepted it into my heart.

So I started thinking about all the things you people could be doing if it weren't for Pokemon Go, because I assume you've all lost touch with reality like poor Craig. Well, besides ANYTHING ELSE, here's a short list:

• Read a damn book.
• Go to the zoo and learn about actual animals.
• Go to an aquarium and learn about actual animals.
• Go to a history museum with stuffed dead animals and learn about actual animals.
• Get a pet and learn about actual animals.
• Binge Orange is the New Black and get supes pissed about the prison system in this country. And also how white privilege ruined the character of Piper Chapman.
• Rub a cheese grater ON YOUR FACE.
• Talk with other humans.
• Talk with other real animals.
• Drink a glass of water.
• Eat a slice or ten of pizza.
• Play a videogame with a storyline (BY THE WAY IT WON'T TURN YOUR CHILD INTO A MURDERER SO DON'T EVEN)
• Campaign for anyone but Donald Trump.
• Write a blog post about why Pokemon Go is a legit thing.
• Be in a theatrical production (when I am pushing theater, IT IS SERIOUS)
• Count how many times you blink in a minute.
• Go shop at Yankee Candle.
• Blame your parents for something, like your two decade addiction to Pokemon.
• Have a meltdown.
• Seek emancipation from your parents.
• Slap yourself in the face.
• Mow the yard (YOU GUYS)
• Join an online dating app with a very specific niche (for example, farmers, clowns, biscuit enthusiasts)
• Go to a different country to experience a new culture, NOT TO CAPTURE THEIR POKEMON.

But Ryan, what could possibly happen? Yeah, okay. It's all fun and games until:

• Your child gets run over in the street because they dodged in front of a moving car to get Pikachu.
• YOU, an actual adult aged human, gets run over in the street because you dodged in front of a moving car to get Pikachu.
• Your child walks off a cliff trying to get a Squirtle down below.
• You walk off a cliff trying to get a Squirtle down below.
• You or your child finds a dead body in a river.
• Your child gets upset when s/he does not get the Pokemon s/he wants and proceeds to chuck her/his VERY EXPENSIVE PHONE THEY ARE PROBABLY NOT RESPONSIBLE ENOUGH TO HAVE IN THE FIRST PLACE in a lake, against a wall, into a fire, into the ocean, into a river, against the concrete, etc.
• Pokemon Go starts being blamed for heightened cases of illegal exotic pets.
• Pokemon Go starts being blamed for early childhood traffic deaths.
• Pokemon Go starts being blamed for adult traffic deaths.
• Your local government has to ban Pokemon Go use in the car.

LIFE IS MEANT TO BE LIVED. Be safe out there. I am so nervous someone is going to mistake me for Jigglypuff. FOR THE RECORD I AM NOT JIGGLY PUFF AND I. WILL. FIGHT. YOU.

Pokemon Go. Just say No.

Update 7/10: For real though, if y'all are having fun, keep on keepin' on. I'm just sad because I can't download it because I'm too stubborn to free up memory on my phone.

*I might be lying about the whole "Krabby" outburst at Red Lobster.