And honestly, I don't really want to know about them. I think the names of sports are stupid. Football barely involves a foot from what I've seen, but the sport that actually involves feet almost exclusively is called soccer (futbol in places not called the United States). Baseball should be called Batball. Basketball is fine, but sometimes I feel like lacrosse should be called basketball and basketball should be called hoopball or dribbleball or throw ball. Dodgeball makes complete sense to me, because obviously. Volleyball should be called netball or something. Tennis should be called racquetball, and don't even get me started on actual racquetball or as I call it WALLBALL.
But listen, when people stop trying to learn about things - even especially those things which they couldn't care less about - we end up with orange idiots running for president. I don't want to be an orange idiot.
And so I bring you Sports (un)Authority, a maybe-every-once-in-a-while segment where I try to learn about sports. How did this come to be? Good question.
A group of coworkers and I were signing up to see "Ray McElroy of the Chicago Bears" speak about something maybe-not-sports-related-but-maybe-sports-related (I didn't really read the whole email or listen to them explain it to me twice), so I asked the obvious question:
Ryan: Do you have to like soccer to see Ray McElroy?
If I had known the storm I was brewing, I would have just kept my mouth shut or googled before I asked.
Turns out, the Chicago Bears are a football team - not a soccer team - and people are VERY passionate about this. After they quieted down and went about their business, I fell into a deeper conversation with my friend Christy about it.
Ryan: Quidditch makes sense to me
Christy: Is that how you spell it?
Ryan: Yes
Christy: I'm not even going to attempt to explain rugby to you.
Ryan: Isn't it lacrosse on horses?
Christy: OMG, you're kidding right? I can't tell anymore. (a fair observation, I must say)
Ryan: No. What is it? LOL
Christy: You know I played rugby, yes?
Ryan: I really thought it was horse lacrosse.
Christy: And all this time you pictured me on horses with sticks?
Ryan: Yes.
Christy: that's polo*
Ryan: So...rugby is what? You're kind of turning my world upside down today.
Some time passes.
Ryan: I thought you were a majestic lacrosse player all this time.
I receive an image very similar to this gif:
Ryan: What's happening? Is it football? Without gear?
Christy: Yes, without gear.
Christy: Because we aren't babies
Ryan: So not even one horse is involved?
Christy: I would hope not, no LOL.
Ryan: Well now I don't really like rugby. I thought it was quidditch with horses.
I receive the following video.
Christy: Sort of.
Ryan: Okay, well. You're being unreasonable.
Christy: You can pass sideways or back . You advance the ball by running it forward and advancing onto the pass. You can kick the ball to advance down the field too.
Ryan: What does that mean?
Christy: It's two, 40-minute halves, non-stop, but the game stops for penalties.
I fall silent because I don't really think Christy is even speaking a language I know at this point in my life.
Christy: A standard rugby team has 15 players, split by the "line" (backs) and the "pack" (forwards). If you play sevens, there are seven people on each team. You score "tries" for 5 points and a conversion kick gets you 2 points a penalty kick or a drop goal each get you 3 points.
Ryan: What are the penalties? Sloooooooooow down.
Christy: High tackle.
Ryan: So, choking.
Christy: "Knock on" aka throwing the ball forward or trying to catch it in the air and it knocks forward out of your hands. They actually don't stop for injuries. You keep playing until the game stops aka penalty (unless it’s really bad, it’s up to the sir/ref). There are a lot of other things that cause a penalty to be called.
Ryan: It's like you're speaking Spanish to me, and I have had 5 years of Spanish
Ryan: So maybe like German.
Christy: Line outs are what you do to restart the game after a penalty or a scrum or a kick to touch or a kick at goal
Ryan: Scrums. I like that word. Scrums.
Christy: Rucks happen throughout the game, they sort of look like a smaller scrum
Ryan: OH RUCKS! Rugby has good words.
Christy: The only protection you have is a mouth guard (some people wear thin fabric padded shoulder pads, but hard plastic is not allowed) and if you don’t roll off the ball after you’re tackled it's a penalty (bad idea anyways bc you'll get "cleated" aka people stomp on you).
Ryan: OMG.
Christy: When you're on the ground you're a part of the ground. It’s really the BEST. SPORT. EVER.
Ryan: So it's naturey?
Christy: "Ooh this grass is so green"
Ryan: You become one with the grass.
Christy: You do, yes.
Ryan: Well I don't know about you, but this isn't living up to expectations at all.
Christy: There's a men's team in Springfield if you want to sign up. You'll play against my husband. But he doesn't play anymore. Because of his knee injury/surgery.
Not likely.
*I disagree. Polo is croquet on horses.
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