How I Became the (Third) Author of a Textbook

...chapter. Textbook chapter. Sorry for the click baitish title.

ANYWAY. You guys. Something 'uuuuuuuge has happened. 

I debated on even writing about it, because I'm not super into the whole ~humble brag~ thing, but this is exciting and semi-related to a macguffolution (and also basically a back up solution in case I get too lazy/scared about one of those macguffolutions). But it's mostly exciting and, damn it, I want to share exciting stuff with all of you. 

And I also kinda wanna humble brag. Sorry for lying earlier.

Y'all. I got published in a textbook. NOT KIDDING.

LOL. I know. Someone thought that I was a legit enough person/adult to contribute to a textbook that actual students will be reading and learning from. You might be thinking, "Oh my gosh yaaaaaaas Ryan is so smart and he's basically a prodigy so this all makes complete sense I loooove him" or you might be thinking, "Education is doomed." Well, to all my ~lovers~ I say THANK YOU FOR YOUR SUPPORT. If you buy a copy I'll drink a glass of wine with you and AUTOGRAPH IT and make up a name for you (see: Laura aka Beautiful Fermented Grape Goddess). Just call my assistant Grizabella and she will get it on the books (I'm much too big a deal to be bothered with personal phone calls now). I don't get any royalties from it, but any excuse to behave like a celebrity is good enough for me to pressure you into buying a textbook. 

Plus, I've decided that NO ONE gets paid to write. Because that's an easy enough lie to accept so I don't go down the road of self hate. #InspirationalQuotes

For all you ~haters~, don't worry. I'm third author which means I contributed the least amount (although there is disagreement in academia about that sometimes), so the future of any educating coming from Chapter 10 in Advances in Intergroup Communication is mostly relying on the brains of Dr. Caleb T. Carr and Eric J. #Varney, or as I like to say #SquadGoals. 

In other exciting news from the week, I also received a bound copy of my ~Master's Thesis~ entitled Sext Me Later: Effects of Channel on Perceptions of Computer-Mediated Transgression Severity. Yes of course I studied something naughty in grad school.

But to better understand how we got here (here meaning a thesis, a textbook chapter, and (ryan)vention), it's important to go back to the beginning. We have to go back to when I was 7 years old and I wrote a book called The Cat and the Dog. As you already guessed, it probably should have just been named The Cat. PS if you cannot read the text in the photos, just click on the photos and they will appear in a separate window for you to read more clearly, because most of what follows is me commenting on my early writings. I know most of you read this on your phones, so ~sharing is caring~.

It's laminated, which I think we can all agree was proof we had made it back in 1996.

Written ~and~ illustrated by yours truly. I know. You thought it was Eric Carle's illustrations.

"This book is dedicated to: my mom and my sister Ashley and my cat and dog my dad." 

This list was definitely not written in any particular order (sorry, Dad - I did you wrong).

Pictured left to right: Coco (the dog), Bittles (the cat; non-canonical spelling in this edition "Biddles"), Tammi (whose face in real life would not remind you of Annabelle the doll), my sister Ashley (who wears see-through skirts to this day), and my dad (who still wears mostly gold jumpers). Also, let's talk about the creepy artwork. C'mon, you guys, this is really scary. If I drew this as an adult I'd be diagnosed, medicated, and tossed into an institution. This only further supports my argument that children are just little psychopaths.

"My dad came home. He brought home a dog. We named him Co Co. I had fun with him."

You could tell I was already over writing about the dog. ~Spoiler alert~ he's about to be written off, so don't get attached like Ashley and I did. THANKS FOR NOTHING TAMMI.

Poor Coco didn't stand a chance. We showed our pet preferences via our television viewing habits.

"We played hide-and-go-seek. He was a puppy, but we had to give him away because he scratched on the walls."

LOL. Omg. But this is true. You guys. Tammi told us that we had to get rid of Coco because he scratched the walls (THANKS FOR NOTHING TAMMI). Coco was also too stupid to be a real team player for hide and seek. Also, can we address the fact that I originally illustrated myself on the table with Coco, but erased it probably because I was afraid Tammi would see this and kick me out for "scratching on the walls" too? Also, that chandelier is right out of Whoville.

"Then we got a cat. We named her Biddles. We played hide-and-go-seek with her."

Bye, Coco. Bittles (Biddles in this alternate universe) was the real MVP of hide and seek. Also, I think these are the walls Coco scratched. Or maybe someone trusted Tammi with a paintbrush when they shouldn't have.

"One day when we were playing hide-and-go-seek, she ran away."

This page is pure fiction. First, I would have never worn a pee stained jumper in public. Second, birds are I HOPE not the same size as cats (with the exception of, like bald eagles and vultures, obvi). Third, Biddles/Bittles was for sure not an outdoor cat. Fourth, Biddles/Bittles never ran away ever. Side question: why is there a fully formed bird on the ground, but only little check mark birds in the sky?

"We went out to find her. Finally, we found her up in a tree."

We spent so much time looking for Biddles/Bittles that I grew a hunchback OR started twerking - it's really hard to tell. That might be a butt. I also didn't even try to draw that branch. That is just a straight pencil line.

"She was happy to see me. I said to her that next time we play hide-and-go-seek don't run away!"

Like, obviously. Solid advice.

LOL. "OK"

"Biddles never ran away again!" 

Or in the first place. Paint with all the colors of the wind, y'all.

"Ryan Blesse is 7. Ryan like soker. Ryan's birthday is January 5. He likes cats."

First of all, I have legitimately never enjoyed any sports, which is probably why I spelled soccer like that.  Second of all, what kind of dummy lets a 7 year old write that he is 7 in his bio? That's not gonna be true in a year. THANKS FOR MAKING ME A LIAR, MISS DIXON. Third, this is evidence that I stated my alliance with cats very early in my childhood.

You can just call me Charles Dickens.

Well, having one bestselling laminated story was not going to be enough for me. So I moved east and wrote about pandas through poetry, because it's important to write about other cultures. Oh, and every page was laminated again.

The Animal of China: The Giant Panda
Written and Illustrated by Ryan Blesse

"Wake 
Giant Panda
for the day is here
you have bamboo
and there is no fear"

Bamboo is a natural fear reducer. And look at the sunbeam. Brilliant.

"Munch
old panda
with your cubs two
eat bamboo yum
they like to gobble with you."

All my favorite words I never use are on this page. "Munch." "Eat bamboo yum." "Gobble." 

"Gaze
panda
you have become mother
your cubs look up and say
you are like no other"

"Share
kind panda
with your babies two
soon they will roam the day
along with you"

"Strike
deadly panda
to attack poachers you are set
proud daylight creature
you are no man's pet"

Uh. So I wrote like Yoda I guess. Nobody thought this was weird for a person under 10 to be drawing. THE MAN IS DEAD ON THE GROUND AND HAS TURNED GREEN AND EVERYONE WAS LIKE, "Oh, what a nice picture."

"Hurt
good panda
for every one cares
yours cubs need you
hurry can care"

If everyone cared, then you wouldn't have been poached in the first place. #PlotHoles

"Sprint
wise panda
through the swishing trees
on your silent feet
you will be at your home in 3"

I did not have a good editor apparently. At home in 3 "what" - minutes, hours, days, weeks, months, years? Also, "swishing." LOL

"Sleep
kind old panda
with your babies warm
it's time for a rest."

I am transcribing this in case you cannot see it, and because I am adding comments.

"Imagine the most beautiful animal shut up, Ryan. Everyone knows you think cats are the most beautiful animals. Being the most pickiest eater in China not a sentence - also, my head just exploded from "most pickiest". That's only one of the reasons why the panda is endangered.

One of the other reasons why the animal is endangered is because of it's beautiful fur coat that hunters like to get and sell. The thing is is that their faces are black and white and you may think well, dah a teacher let an asshole 7ish year old write the word "dah" in an assignment, they are way too cute to fight back or they are too beautiful, but don't let that face fool you or fur coat, since that's what we were talking about to begin with. They are actually really ferocious and they do fight back at poachers. So you should never go into a bamboo forest unless you want to be panda food this isn't funny. It has Tammi Joke written all over it! In order to live in bamboo forests it must have a thick fur coat.

TIMBER! Shouts a builder, this is another reason why the panda is endangered because the builder yelled timber?. The bamboo that they eat so much of 16 hours a day max is being cut down to build buildings. How would you like it if your home was cut down by panda's why the apostrophe? I wouldn't like it No? You wouldn't like it if a giant panda came strolling into your house in Connecticut to cut your house down? First of all, you have bigger issues if a panda is walking around your house. Second, if a panda comes to your house and starts CUTTING IT DOWN you better call the Today show and get some money out of it. The point I am trying to get across to you is that they are losing their food in their habitat and their home which is in the cold mountainous region of China. I think we should think about them before ourselves because it is mean to ruin their habitat just for our needs. Actually it is just for buildings, but I am sure that there is more room around that we don't have to cut down their forests inorder not a word - was there even a teacher around? for us to have a place to live Yes. I'm sure a 7ish year old definitely is "sure" about his solution to fix China's population problem.

You might be wondering what time of the year the Panda's mate because it seems like this whole essay was moving towards discussing mating, so this must be your natural thought process. Their mating season is in the spring because in the summer it is too hot, in the winter it is too cold, and in the fall it's not warm enough but, spring time is just right pandas were the species of bear in the Goldilocks story, and in the uncensored version they mate with Goldilocks and their offspring is Donald Trump. it doesn't sound very scientific the way they mate but, it's how their life cycle works So just accept my explanation and don't ask questions.

In conclusion I hope that the Panda will still be alive for my children and grandchildren to see and enjoy at the zoo. I hope that somehow we can figure out how to live without endangering them anymore."

Even though the The Animal of China: The Giant Panda was deservedly not well received by the public at large, I decided it wouldn't stop me in my attempts to become Oprah Winfrey. As a result, I decided to write my autobiography at eight years old. I had experienced so much, so it was time to tell the world about it.

Somehow my illustrations got worse as I got older. And I also didn't comprehend that NO ONE CAN READ PENCIL ON FIRE ENGINE RED CONSTRUCTION PAPER.

OH OH FUN STORY. Even though I don't implicate her here, Ashley was responsible for the split chin.

Believe it or not, I may have been a bit of a sassy child. My grandmother uses the word "ornery," which I think is midwest for "jackass." But I was also reasonable and knew that I could not allow Ashley to make decisions for me, because I wanted to survive past the age of 12. So one day Ashley tells me I am going to go with her to visit a friend (who knows where Tammi was). Like any rational four year old, I stomped my foot and told her I would not be a part of her crazy plan, because it would involve us crossing the street and I could only cross the street with an adult.

Well, in a moment of poor judgment, my sister decided that if I wouldn't go by choice, she would just throw me on the pavement face first and drag me across the street. And so she did. Despite my screaming and what was undoubtedly a huge smear of four year old blood on the roadway, she continued to drag me. Finally, she saw the waterfall of blood pouring from my chin and realized I wasn't okay and rushed me inside our house where she forced me to hold a rag on my chin while she ran around the house screaming her head off. She eventually threatened my life if I ever told mom, and I was like, "Listen psycho, no worries here."

Tammi eventually came home and took me to the hospital to have the gravel removed from my chin and the skin sewn back over the bone. All I remember is not telling her it was Ashley's fault and getting a Happy Meal out of it. #FourYearOldMemories

And so that's the story of how my chin split open and I got twelve stitches.

Even at this age, I was throwing shade hard. Jamie was my girlfriend (I know) in Kindergarten and I apparently did not have confidence in her intelligence.

Mrs. Agati: "What is 7+5?"
Jamie: "200 lolz"
Mrs. Agati: "That's wrong, Jamie. Stupid mother f..."
Ryan: "12 ~I am so smart~"
Mrs. Agati: "Omg you're so smart you are a child prodigy and one day you will be famous for your blog."

Well, Ryan, you just added in your illustration for kindergarten, so your story isn't tracking.

Spoiler alert: Mr. Murphy was a jerk and tickled his students. Not kidding. I'm assuming Mr. Murphy isn't employed anymore.

What a moron. I wanted to be a geologist and/or paleontologist, based on this description. I also really never liked NASCAR. People just bought me things related to it and thought I liked it.

Tammi. Why is "Romeo and Juliet" THE LEO DICAP AND CLAIRE DANES VERSION, "Titanic" which has BARE BREASTS IN IT AND SEX, and "What's Eating Gilbert Grape" WHICH HAS LOTS OF ADULT THEMES on this list!?

The back page is the best part. You can't read it because no one told me to not be a moron and write in something other than pencil on fire engine red construction paper, but next to my creepy head I'm saying, "Oh man look." What am I asking you to look at?

This. Literally just this.

And so now we're here. Based on the evidence, I'm honestly not sure how we got here, but we're here nonetheless.

Thank you so much for reading, dear readers. I know you're reading because my blog stats tell me people are opening entries. But do you know what I would absolutely love? To talk to you. There's lots of places where you can find (ryan)vention outside of this space - and I'd love to connect with you in these places. You can find the buttons on the right sidebar (on a desktop), or the links below!

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Until next time.