I am really upset with myself for letting my fitness go out the door and allowing my weight to get out of control over the last 3 years. I've gained nearly 100 pounds in that time, and I am at my heaviest ever (30 pounds more than at my previous highest weight). I don't know what to do to expel the negative energy, so I am torturing my readers with it instead.
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| Tammi and me Juneish 2016. |
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| Me in Juneish 2012, when I took mirror selfies I guess. #HatersGonnaHatePS I thought I looked overweight when I took this picture LOL. |
I am disappointed in myself. I told myself I wasn't going to let myself lose control ever again when I lost 70 pounds almost seven years ago. Then I went to grad school and the excuses began:
"I don't have time to exercise."
"I don't have time to cook healthy meals for myself."
"It'll be easier to order this pizza."
"I can't take the time to exercise or cook - I need that time to work on my thesis."
"I have to go out to make friends. And I obviously need to order the most calorie filled thing on the menu."
Loads of excuses, all bull crap. I am tired of excuses.
Here's the truth: I am an emotional, compulsive eater. Grad school was an extremely emotional experience (not all bad, mind you). I ate and drank to cope (luckily I just got fat and not alcoholic from the experience). Now I am out of grad school for kind of a year (there was that weird semester of thesis writing/half ass grad schooling), fat, and full of negativity about my health. Of course, I keep upsetting myself with these negative thoughts, which leads me to eating more. Thus, the cycle continues (and, my emotional health is suffering on top of it).
Post-grad school, there has been plenty of life adjustments. Weird family revelations. Being married. Trying to navigate non-academic life. Trying to figure out who I am as a person (do we ever really figure that out?). Trying to find my voice again in writing. Don't get me wrong: none of these things have been bad - but they have been emotional. When in doubt or not in full control, I eat.
And now here I am: fat and sassy. Well guess what? Fat and sassy only works if you're a cat. I get winded if I walk to quickly for too long a period of time. Stairs are a chore for me. My back hurts. I am having knee and hip issues. I am not sleeping well. I have heart burn, but I think this might also be because I eat too late/too close to going to bed.
Selfishly, I'd like to get the four rubbermaid containers out from under the guest bed where all of my "skinny clothes" live and be able to actually wear them again (they're probably very out of style now).
I am mad at myself because I already made a promise to myself this year to get it together, and I've made zero progress. I hate pictures being taken of me (or worse, shared publicly). I don't want to go anywhere because I hate the way I look. I don't like buying or even looking at new clothes because I know none of them will look good on me. As vapid as this will sound, I don't feel attractive. I am overwhelmed by the work and time it will take for me to lose all the weight. I am scared because I am getting older, and my family has a less than desirable history in regards to heart disease (and my doctor already warned me about blood pressure and cholesterol months ago).
I want to be healthy not only for the sake of being healthy, but to be here with my family and friends. I want to stay here. I want to get old. I already have the disposition of grumpy old man, and I wouldn't want all the expertise I've been cultivating to go to waste by not being here to utilize it.
On top of all that, Craig and I will be traveling to Europe in November. One of my regrets from our last European excursion is not climbing to the top of several places (notably: St. Peter's Basilica). At that time, it was due to fear of high places, which I am now irritated with myself for thinking. I don't want to not be able to do these things this time because I can't physically do it.
Anyway, that's the last time I want to admit I am upset or disappointed or disgusted with myself, because negative statements about my physical health are not going to help me at all. I am going to commit myself to working out every day, even if it is only 30 minutes. I already took steps today with light strength training for 30 minutes, and 45 minutes of walking. I am going to change my diet to reduce the amount of sugar, bread, and dairy I eat (because I am likely lactose intolerant) and I am going to increase the amount of fresh veggies, fruit, and lean meats I eat. I am not cutting anything out - it's clear that doesn't work for me ever.
I just want to be healthy again.
PSA: I don't like working out with other people, so please don't offer and make me have to awkwardly say "no" and feel guilty about it. The guilt will make me order a pizza. Having said that, I do like words of encouragement, and could really use some now if you have any to give.
This all sounds great!! The hardest part is getting started and becoming committed to the routine of healthy living. Once you fall into your routine it's so hard to ever imagine getting out of it, but we are human.. And we do. Your words are similar to feelings I have too, and I imagine so many others. My new practice is to actively love myself just the way I am right now. All of me, and then do my best to make as healthy decisions as I can. Good luck to you on your health journey!! :)
ReplyDeleteThanks so much for reading, Maurielle, and for sharing your experience and perspective. It's really nice to have such a wonderful support group of readers, friends, and family.
DeleteI think it's definitely all about setting realistic goals and forcing yourself to look at it as getting healthy - not necessarily "thin" or "perfect." One day at a time :)
All the best to you.
You're awesome, Ryan! Youre writing about something a lot of people can relate to. I get super emotional when it comes to food, and I have so much compassion for the issue, and you explained it all so beautifully. I laughed so hard when I read that fat and sassy just looks good on cats;). Anyway, I love you, and just don't be too hard on yourself, like you said! Approach all of this from a place of love and compassion for yourself. You'll get back to where you are supposed to be.
ReplyDeleteAnna!! Thank you so much for reading and for all the nice things you said! Yes, I think learning to treat myself and love myself well again is truly key. I'm very excited for the journey, which is something I can't say I've felt recently. :)
DeleteI know the secret to weight loss, I have known it for decades and I will share it with you, you must not tell anyone else for fear they will not understand its meaning......It is.....Eat less, Move around more. Ok? There it is, now a vague and ridiculous statement has been made, I would like to see you do these following things for yourself. Forgive it.....Ask yourself for forgiveness and then FORGIVE yourself. Stuff happens. Then FORGET the past that got you here. It's hard enough to live in a world that beats you up, do not help them do it! MOVE forward, make a plan, a simple one at first. Start with things you can do for certain. Like PARK far away from the door when you go to work. Take the stars not the elevator....even if only down and not up. We have to start somewhere and a triathlon would be certain disappointment.
ReplyDeleteThen STAY OFF THE SCALE....A scale is a LIAR a poor keeper of your health and well being....Better...how do your clothes fit now? Are you feeling better? Is it easier to climb those stairs?
Make new habits, make them your habits, define yourself with a new lifestyle and be confident not cautious. Later, add something else to your habits and pretty soon you will be doing all the things you know you can do easily. After some success add harder things we do not even want to think about....
Craig used to like to run perhaps you both could walk or bike together. You are too valuable a person to not forgive yourself and as for the negative view, do that when you get old and grouchy like me. I'm rooting for you.... we love you.
Thank you so much, fashza in law! I love all of the advice you gave and take it to heart, truly. I think the little changes can lead to big changes, too :)
DeleteThanks for reading, and for cheering me on. I love you very much!
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