Listen, I get it. I have Academy Award nominees and winners on my list of favorite films that I like to whip out at dinner parties to seem supes intelligent, too. Cool Hand Luke, Black Swan, The Curious Case of Benjamin Button, Forrest Gump, and Star Wars to name a few. But let's be ~real~ - none of our actual favorite movies are anything we are proud about.
What's my favorite movie? Crossroads, the 2002 science fiction breakout film of Britney Spears. You probably need a minute to make a decision about our future together. You might also need a minute to digest how this film could be in any way a science fiction film. That's fine. I'll wait.
I SAID I WILL WAIT.
Why, you ask? HOW DARE YOU, first of all. Second, there are COUNTLESS BUT I COULD ONLY COME UP WITH FIFTEEN reasons for why this is THE BEST SCIENCE FICTION/FANTASY/FILM FILM OF ALL TIME IN AMERICAN CINEMA.
~Spoiler Alert~
Honestly, if you haven't seen this film already, I'd love to pressure you to do so but I realize you're probably not going to. Just know that if you haven't, you are missing out AND it is available on Netflix right now.
Full disclosure: most of what I'm about to say is going to seem pretty much against my own argument because Crossroads really is basically the worst, but only in the best and most lovable ways.
1. The entire premise is a bunch of strangers road tripping in what can only be an alternate universe where ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE across the United States of America together for a reject version of American Idol...
Because they bad mouthed each other all through high school and then dug up a time capsule and ALL WAS FORGIVEN because ~memories~.
2. Britney cries about being a valedictorian and she ~didn't feel anything~ because she, like, didn't go to parties or just hang out
Oh, this is a #StayMadAbby moment!
Actual quote: "I was up there gettin' my diploma and I was like, 'is this it?'" Yes, girl. That's it. You get a diploma and go about your business. Britney not understanding how graduating works was the first wrinkle in the whole "Britney Spears is valedictorian" plot line, and it happens about 5 minutes into the film.
Okay. Listen, we as an audience are asked to suspend our disbelief A LOT by the revelation that B. Spears is valedictorian. We are then immediately asked to take an additional leap of faith when it's revealed she will be double majoring in biology and chemistry so she can become a doctor. This is the first time we are provided evidence that this film is set in an alternate universe/belongs under the science fiction genre.
Now, I'm not saying she had to be written as a stupid teenager, but (1) why did she have to be the valedictorian when this movie was literally written to launch her movie career - we get it, it's about B. Spears and (2) this only set her up for failure, because B. Spears makes a lot of really poor decisions and proves SHE IS DEFINITELY NOT VALEDICTORIAN material multiple times.
Exhibit A: She has a chart of Common Molecules that can be seen in close proximity to a Madonna poster and behind Dan Aykroyd when he comes storming in and trying to act like he's the most responsible parent in the universe (but mostly comes across as overbearing in every bad sense). Because Common Molecules and Madonna just make, like, sense.
Exhibit B: She says a line while lying on the beach and demonstrates that she does not understand how college works. She believes she can just walk onto any campus in L.A. and be admitted on the spot. This is likely a ramification of her white privilege, but as valedictorian, I feel like she should know better and do better.
Exhibit C: She thinks her Mom wants to see her after her Mom packed up and left this alternate universe for reality and didn't even glance back, let alone send Britney a nice birthday card or make a 5 minute phone call. Dude, your mom is Samantha Jones. You gotta let it go.
Exhibit D: She gets into a car and commits to a cross-country road trip with a strange/boring man who creeps on her immediately (because he knows she is Britney Spears in reality) and two girls she has spent at least four years hating for no real reason known to the audience.
Exhibit E: She almost bangs Justin Long. More on this disturbing scene later
Yes. Britney Spears is a valedictorian in this universe, and it's more confusing than her angsty response about being the valedictorian.
3. It's basically an elaborate feature-length music video for I'm Not a Girl, Not Yet a Woman AKA YOUR ANTHEM
I'M NOT A GIRL DON'T TELL ME WHAT TO BELIEVE ~not yet a woman~ I'M JUST TRYIN' TO FIND THE WOMAN IN ME, YEAH! *Pouts, tries to pull pants down to show off her glittery belly button and not violate FCC rules*
LOL HAVE YOU EVER SEEN ANYTHING MORE EARLY 2000s IN YOUR ENTIRE LIFE!? *Puts on bra shirt hybrid* *Stares wisely out into the desert aka metaphor for womanly opportunity* *Pretends she's not 20, basically*
Sidebar: she got it wrong when she said, "There is no need to protect me."
LOL okay let's look at the evidence.
Exhibit A: Kevin Federline.
Exhibit B: Shaved head.
Exhibit C: The 2007 (WAS THAT REALLY ALMOST TEN YEARS AGO!?) MTV VMAs.
Exhibit D: Getting her grown arse grounded in Vegas for life by her dad.
4. Because Zoe Saldana and Taryn Manning are treated like peasant back up singers.
Before Zoe Saldana became an actual geek goddess (see: Gamora from Guardians of the Galaxy, Nyota Uhura from Star Trek, Neytiri from Avatar) and Taryn Manning became Pennsatucky on Orange is the New Black, they played B. Spears's fake baes.
Zoe Saldana plays Kit, a Walmart brand Regina George who is engaged to some douche bag in Los Angeles who seemingly has zero interest in her whatsoever. Meanwhile, Taryn Manning plays Mimi, a typecast role of white trash pregnant Gretchen Weiners that still haunts her to this day. Although Zoe Saldana, to my knowledge, has not had a music career outside of the controversy that is the Nina Simone biopic...Taryn Manning has, but she takes the back seat to Britney Spears because IT'S NOT YOUR TURN YET, PEASANT. More on this later.
If you wanted to see when it became Taryn's moment, well, here's the wonder that is Boomkat which is basically just a teaser trailer for Ready Player One the movie AND ALSO RIDING ON CANNON BALLS BEFORE MILEY DID IT
 |
| Taryn reflecting on Boomkat. |
5. Three girls travel alone with a possible psychopath who throws an actual temper tantrum in the middle of the desert, and no one ever really figures out if he actually killed someone or not because he's hot and has a car and LET'S LET BYGONES BY BYGONES, Y'ALL.
\_(ツ)_/¯
6. This is a universe where Dan Aykroyd and Kim Cattrall were somehow a couple who put their loins together and produced Britney Spears
I don't know how to elaborate further. This is pure sci-fi AT ITS FINEST. Also, this was made in 2002 when Sex and the City was in a state of extreme popularity. Kim shows up for literally 2 minutes and speaks maybe 15 words.
I just wanna know how much she got paid for this.
7. Justin Long, Baby Powder (or cocaine?), and almost rape.
Let's get the elephant out of the room about this scene. Justin Long totes tries to pressure B. Spears into sexual relations BECAUSE HE DOESN'T WANT TO GO TO COLLEGE AS A VIRGIN AND THAT IS SOMEHOW BRITNEY'S FAULT. Admittedly a blemish on this otherwise flawless film because, almost a rape scene. Further evidence that this could have made a really disturbing horror film.
About the white powder Justin Long flings carelessly around the hotel room, though...I am still really confused. Is it baby power? If so, (1) Justin, you're already mega pale so maybe like don't and (2) baby powder is super not sexual. It's BABY POWDER. It cures diaper rash or something. Idk, not a parent so none of my business but what I do know is: baby powder not an aphrodisiac.
If it's cocaine, then I have more questions (including the two above, substituing "baby powder" for "cocaine"), but most of them boil down to this: is the rest of the movie just in Britney's drug induced mind after she inhaled the plume of cocaine Justin thoughtlessly tossed around the room before she walked in and giggled? SO MANY QUESTIONS.
8. Britney and J.T. were together and they wore denim formalwear and TIMES WERE SIMPLER BECAUSE OF IT
AND THE GIRLS EVEN SING ALONG TO "BYE BYE BYE." And also Zoe Saldana makes it awkward when she sings better than the
9. Shonda Rhimes - yes, THAT SHONDA RHIMES - wrote the whole damn thing
Bet you're rethinking your position now, you Scandalous-Private-Practice-Grey-Doctors-Who-Get-Away-With-Murder HEATHENS. Yes, before she became the empress of ABC first with her so-so hospital show whose seasons always end with the hospital exploding/tons of new job openings and begins with the doctors who haven't figured this out yet/people who have lived under rock without hearing about this Seattle hospital exploding annually in May, Shonda Rhimes wrote the masterpiece that is Crossroads.
Does this mean Crossroads is part of ~Shondaland~? Will B. Spears show up on Grey's Anatomy and tell us that she did, in fact, become a doctor after a successful music career? WE NEED ANSWERS.
10. There is a dramatic reading of I'm Not a Girl, Not Yet a Woman around a camp fire. This is when Britney's character reveals she can also write song lyrics.
And Britney calls it "poetry." Not kidding.
11. "I Love Rock & Roll" karaoke in NOLA(?)
Britney takes center stage in a jean skirt to butcher a classic by Joan Jett, even though (1) Taryn Manning's Boomkat has a song featured in the film and (2) Zoe Saldana is basically a better singer than Britney and Taryn combined AND THE GIRLS MAKE AN OBSCENE AMOUNT OF MONEY DOING IT. They hand it over to poss serial killer even though all he did was drink beer and watch them embarrass themselves and probably become aroused because he is SICK.
And literally all the extras looked like the kind of people who wear fluorescent fanny packs.
Although it does make an admittedly grungy looking music video.
12. ~so many feelings~ concerning a certain scene in L.A. involving Taryn, Zoe, a keychain, and stairs.
SPOILER ALERT
TARYN MANNING FALLS DOWN THE STAIRS AND LOSES HER BABY AFTER ZOE'S BOYFRIEND REVEALS HE IS THE FATHER OF HER CHILD BECAUSE HE RAPED HER AND NOTHING WILL BE OKAY EVER AGAIN.
13. "Nah nah nah NAHHHHHHH"
14. Basically, everyone's lives are destroyed by the end of the film.
- Britney was told by Samantha Jones that she was a mistake and she should just hurry along back home to her creepy control freak of a dad, Dan Aykroyd.
- The world was introduced to I'm Not a Girl, Not Yet a Woman
- Kit is no longer engaged because her boyfriend IN THE PLOT TWIST OF THE CENTURY raped and impregnated Mimi
- Mimi loses her baby and gives up her dream of becoming a famous singer to B. Spears BECAUSE IT STILL IS NOT YOUR TURN PEASANT #AndNoneForGretchenWeiners
15. ...except for Britney, obvs.
- She continues to benefit from white privilege and is unaware of it
- She gets to make hanky panky with a possible serial killer who is about as interesting as a beige colored brick wall BECAUSE FEMINISM (unsubstantiated claim - I doubt anyone had feminism in mind when writing this movie because if they did IT SHOULD HAVE NEVER BEEN MADE)
- She goes on to win reject American Idol wearing custains on her arms while Dan Aykroyd cries in the audience because his valedictorian would-be doctor daughter chose to go on to win reject American Idol
- She forces poor Mimi and Kit to be her backup singers, because no one can outshine her
in this breakout role that led to her successful career in filmin her own music video
So there you have it: indisputable proof that Crossroad is, in fact, the greatest science fiction film of all time.
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