“But I Could Just Stare At the Ceiling” and Other Introverted Thoughts

Well, this is awkward.

It has come to my attention that several of my readers mostly Tammi is concerned about my wellbeing since I haven’t posted anything in a little over two weeks. THANKS FOR THE CONCERN, TAMMI. Because I feel like I owe you all an explanation for my absenteeism (because, introversion and feelings of guilt associated with introversion), here’s what I’ve been doing to be ~so busy~:

·    Reading. So much reading. I’ve read 5 books in the last 1.5 weeks and am currently reading three at the same time. That sounds so pretentious. Sorry.

·    Writing. Hush your mouth, Ryan, yoooou lil’ liar. NO YOU HUSH YOUR MOUTH, MARNIE SUE (pronounced MURNIE S-THUE for no good reason). TL/DR is I’ve been working on what I suspect to be a novel-length work, trying to figure out the characters and the various plotlines. VERY EXCITING STAY TUNED. Unless nothing happens, in which case you can go back to your regular programming. Just go back to your regular programming, I’ll let you know if something exciting happens. I will, however, address this in a post that's already written and ready for publication.

·    Eating pizza, because I’m not a heathen contrary to what you may have heard or whatever conclusions you’ve come to based on this blog.

·    But mostly I just wanted someone to miss me from the blogosphere, so you really only have yourself to blame at this point if you didn’t miss me. SORRY ‘BOUT IT.

·     And finally, I’ve just been coming up dry in terms of what to write about on (ryan)vention for the last two weeks.

Joking and all-caps aside, I have missed all of you! Or at least I’ve missed seeing the amount of people clicking on links, NOT THAT YOU’RE ALL JUST NUMBERS TO ME. I’m kidding don’t stop reading. Real talk: I value each and every one of you. A lot of you faithful readers have been threatening to break my knee caps asking me when my next entry would be published, so that’s been good motivation. You like me YOU REALLY LIKE ME. And I like you! Well, most of you. Liking people is hard sometimes. I should really write cards for Hallmark. <3

“Liking you is hard sometimes. HAPPY VALENTINE’S DAY.”

Strangely enough, this brings me to the whole point of this post. I just finished reading Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can’t Stop Talking by Susan Cain, or as I like to refer to it now INTROVERTS ARE BEAUTIFUL BUTTERFLIES WHO CHOOSE TO STAY IN THEIR COCOONS AND CHANGE THE WORLD by THE MAJESTIC ENCHANTRESS WHO MADE ME FEEL REALLY GOOD ABOUT MYSELF.

Y’all, I can’t say enough about this beautiful book. It takes real findings from studies and discusses them in a way that everyone can understand and appreciate. At its core, it is truly trying to break down the barriers that exist between introversion and extroversion so that we can all understand one another a little better. It reaffirms to introverts that they aren’t weird, it helps explain why introverts behave the way they do and why that’s okay to extroverts, and it probably does little more for ambiverts other than making them (and everyone else) uncertain about what the heck they are doing.

But the book got me thinking, and my thinking often leads to me writing something ridiculous. This time is no different, but I did discover a macguffin while I read Quiet: I want to be more at peace with being an introvert, and I want to help other people be more at ease not only with my introversion, but with the idea of introversion.

As I’ve gotten older, I’ve become more and more introspective and crave more time alone. Since graduating from grad school and getting married, I’ve become even more so – a homebody, if you will. I’m basically one bestselling banned book away from becoming JD Salinger, or as I call it ~ideal state~.

That’s hard for people to understand, especially if they’ve known me for a while and remember when I was perhaps a bit more outgoing and more comfortable in group settings. I get that. But what I don’t always understand is when I either (1) choose to not participate in a social event where I know I just don’t have the stamina to sustain long-term socializing or (2) if I am in a pretty intense social setting, I excuse myself for a small period of time to recharge. And we’re not talking me leaving the premises – we’re talking me just going off to the side with someone to have a one-on-one conversation or me just going off on my own (perhaps a small stroll) for a few minutes.

Here’s the deal: I’ve done some really weird stuff to avoid situations where those more extroverted would thrive. Because I like to embarrass myself publicly on this blog (VERY EXTROVERTED OF MYSELF BY THE WAY), I thought I’d share with you these twelve mementos of introversion.

~DoO DoO DoO DoO DoO DoO DoO DoO DoO DoO DoO DoO~

1. “Mom Tammi, can you call <insert friend’s name>’s Mom and tell her I can’t make it to <friend’s name>’s party?”

Yes. I used to make these grand plans (or rather, Tammi would commit me to these great plans THANKS FOR NOTHING, TAMMI) with my friends who I promise I liked. But when the day of reckoning came and I said to myself, “I can’t even because, busy staring at the ceiling,” I would have Tammi call their mom to cancel said plans.

2. *staring at my phone that died several hours ago trying to look busy just in case someone who recognizes me as Craig’s husband approaches me so I don’t have to engage in supremely off-putting small talk*

Let’s not pretend we both aren’t aware of what’s going to happen here. You’re going to walk up to me and say hi, and I am going to respond with, “Hehhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hi GREAT WEATHER OUTSIDE AMIRIGHT!?” And you’re going to go, “I mean, there’s 12 feet of snow on the ground.” And then we’re both going to share an immense silence and all I am going to be wanting to do is to lay facedown on the ground just to make it easier on both of us.

Okay, but I want you to like me and not think I’m a standoffish person. I’m just really awkward. PLEASE SAY HI. But also don’t feel obligated. Oh boy, I’m sending mixed signals. How about we just wave? OR you can text me hi, and I’ll text you hi back. I’m all about solutions.

3. *pretending to talk on the phone to Tammi in case someone doesn’t buy the whole texting-on-my-dead-phone thing*

CAN’T YOU SEE I AM ON THE PHONE WITH MY MOTHER!? *Fights the urge to not lay face down on the floor, because that might be the only actual way you will leave*

4. *makes plans for two days from now knowing I’ll regret making them when I wake up that day*

Why do I do this to myself?

~Day Arrives~

*lays in bed staring at the ceiling hoping someone cancels the plans we made weeks ago when I was in a good mood and feeling sociable*

Are you there, God?

*Plans get canceled*

6. *downloads Chelsea Handler’s GET ME OUT OF HERE app*

This app exists and it is beautiful. I haven’t used it yet but I’m ready and willing. WOULD HAVE BEEN NICE TO HAVE THIS IN THE PAST. Not gonna lie, I had one of my friends call AND text me that she'd been in a terrible car accident just so I could leave this uber creepy person's house after I realized that "coming over to watch a movie" actually meant SOMETHING REALLY TERRIBLE AND NOT AT ALL CONSENSUAL (for you kiddos: see "Netflix and Chill"). 

~Now you’ll never know~ if I really have to go or if I am just using the app.

7. “Why aren’t you smiling, Ryan?” “Are you mad at me?” “You look down.” 

No, I’m not mad at you. I am concentrating on something unrelated to my current surroundings. It’s probably pizza. I’m not smiling and I look down because I don’t have said pizza.

8. Someone says, “I think this should be a phone call, not an email/IM/text message/telegraph/carrier pigeon.” *Entire body is filled with dread*

How could my vocal fumbling be IN ANY WAY better and solving anything when I can just articulate it through a text-based message?

9. *breaks up with future husband via text message*

Twice. He still wanted to marry me for some reason.

10. *Whispers to Grizabella* “When did you figure out you were a cat?”

And also can you verify whether I am a cat or not? Because I really think I could learn to do my business in a litter box if that’s the only step I’m missing.

11. *Hears doorbell. Looks through peephole and sees neither pizza nor a person I know. Creeps away slowly and hides in the bathroom until they leave*

Because answering the door and telling them I’m not interested in whatever they are selling would be too difficult.

And finally,

12. Regularly preparing for parties while in undergrad by stashing a bag of Garden Salsa Sunchips in a stairwell or a bathroom and, when I need a break, going to said stairwell or bathroom to eat my sunchips alone.

At first, I think I worried my friends when I’d go missing for 30 minutes. But eventually someone found me shamelessly shoving a handful of sunchips in my mouth while sitting in a stall and spread the word that this is a thing I do at parties.

>Insert a normal person's transition to end a conversation here<

So this entry really did one of two things for you: made you never want to approach me in public again (REALLY NOT THE POINT PLEASE SAY HI) or you now have a better understanding of what’s going on in the noggin of an introvert. More than likely, whatever you gleaned from this post is probably a mix of the two. 

I am not going to tell you that I’m going to try to be an extrovert, because that’s basically a slippery slope to becoming a serial killer probably. But I think I can probably do a better job at explaining when I’m having an introverted moment.

So here’s to that!

PS: I will be posting another entry in the next few days. In the meantime, catch up on what you may have missed from previous weeks and like, comment, share the blog! Despite being an introvert, I like writing for a whole slew of readers.