Good Vibes Needed

I told myself over a month ago - I told all of YOU over a month ago - that I wasn't going to accept this anymore. I was going to work out and I was going to make real changes to the decisions I made about food. I told myself that I wouldn't eliminate anything from my diet - I extended an olive branch TO MYSELF, knowing that cutting things from my diet doesn't get me anywhere.

Over 1,000 of you read that blog entry. I had somewhere around thirty people reach out and tell me they believed in me and they were on this journey with me. And that kept me going. It kept me going so much so, in fact, that I wrote this just five days after I wrote the other entry:

It can be really easy to forget the kindness of others. But sometimes, if we just look closely, the world is pretty great. 

On Sunday, I wrote a new entry. It was mostly me being upset and super negative toward myself for letting my fitness routine and healthy eating habits fall by the wayside for the last three years, even after I made the promise to myself and all of you that I would make great changes this year. It actually started off as a Facebook status update, but it ended up being entirely too long and I personally refuse, as a rule, to clutter the newsfeeds of my friends with my paragraphs of whining. So naturally, I posted it to (ryan)vention. I promoted it on my newsfeed with a disclaimer: Warning. I'm going to be really negative about myself. Feel free to keep scrolling.  

It was intended to be a "drop it and leave it" post. I did not think anyone would read it. I didn't think it would really speak to anyone. It wasn't the standard stuff you see around (ryan)vention - it wasn't funny, exactly (though some people did seem to have a chuckle or two about fat and sassy cats) and it wasn't about anything ridiculous. I just had a lot of negative energy surrounding me and tons of really terrible thoughts about myself that just kept tumbling around in my head. I needed to get those thoughts out of me and into the universe. That probably sounds selfish, but I couldn't keep doing the self loathing cycle. That cycle kept me on the couch and devouring entire pizzas in one sitting. That cycle kept me feeling unhealthy. 

But then the craziest thing happened. You all happened. All 1,214 (this number will be outdated by the time this actually gets posted) of you read the entry that started off as a status update; that I thought no one would read; that no one would hear or relate to; that was basically me hating myself out loud. Now, for the truly well read blogger, 1,214 is no big deal: many bloggers have 100,000+ readers every post. But 1,214 to me was incredible. Keep in mind: my most popular entry before the one I am talking about here had 625 readers, and it was about Pokemon Go. So when I kept seeing the number of readers climb, I was flabbergasted.  

But it didn't stop there. For the first time, I had an overwhelming amount of interaction with the blog. I received three comments on the entry itself, and 21 comments on my personal Facebook page expressing words of total encouragement. And you know what? It's worked. I am now on Day 5 of this new journey, and I am feeling more motivated than ever before.  

There are few things I dislike more than working out. Sure, I enjoy the after high of all the endorphins, but beyond that - NOPE. I'd rather do anything else. But knowing people are having similar experiences and rooting for me has really motivated me the last five days and pushed me to go further when I could easily stop instead. For that: I can't thank you enough.

I wrote that and never published it. I wanted to go back and publish it once I had stuck to this for a month - this new attitude was no longer an attitude, but a habit. But somehow, after two weeks, I lost the motivation. I lost motivation even after I managed to trim off 14 pounds in 10 days (maybe not the healthiest weight loss, admittedly). I fell back into eating out. I fell back into staying seated instead of taking 45 minutes to walk around the neighborhood. I fell back into the mindset that it didn't matter: I am happy, more or less, emotionally speaking. I am in a good place psychologically (at least, I think I am). So what if I'm carrying around extra weight? 

And then I tried on my jeans. Didn't fit. And then I tried on my sweaters. Didn't fit. And then I tried on my hoodies. Didn't fit. I tried on my sweatpants and, by some cruel twist of fate, they fit somehow better than ever. My favorite season is winter (followed closely by fall) for the sheer fact that I get to wear ALL OF THE AFOREMENTIONED THINGS. I shoved everything back into my dresser drawers and wondered what I was going to do. I hate shopping because finding sizes that actually look okay on me is nearly impossible to do. I hate spending money on bigger sizes because that's committing to the idea that this is a long term state of existence. I can't afford to keep buying a new wardrobe just because I can't push away from the pizza box. So, double whammy: nothing fits and now I have to go out and try to find something that does.

How did this happen? Why do I keep doing this to myself? My family has a proven history of heart disease and yet I am doing nothing to stop myself from meeting the same fate. 

And so, I never published the post above. The fact that it was sitting there - a now-lie (once truth) written - is half the reason I went silent for almost two months (the other half being the new Boys Will Be Boys series). I felt like a fraud. Here I was, committing myself to doing something, and I didn't do it. And worst yet, I had evidence that it had been going well - it had been working - and I just stopped working towards the goal. What an inauthentic person I turned out to be, I thought. And so, instead of admitting this upfront, I chose instead to say nothing at all - because if you don't talk about it, you don't have to face it.

I can't figure out why getting healthier is so hard this time. I've lost the weight before. I know logically that I can do it. It was not this hard this first time - I was excited and nothing could stop me from doing what I needed to do to be healthy. So what's different now? Have I just become this complacent in my own health journey? Have I just accepted that making promises and not keeping them not only to myself, but to all of you, is fine? It's not fine. Carrying around extra weight does matter. It matters to your bank account - BELIEVE ME, it costs way more to be unhealthy. It matters to your heart. It matters to your life. It matters to your family. It matters to your friends. It matters. And when you stop caring about your health, you may as well stop caring about everything else around you. 

I can't keep doing this. I know I keep saying that, but I can't. And I can't keep saying it and not doing anything about it. I'm sorry in advance for the routine health-related posts I'll be making - some of them may be long, some of them may be short - but I have to do something to keep myself honest and in check. I stopped writing about it when I started the blog because I didn't want to annoy people. I had the same mentality when I never followed up on my most recent post on this topic. If you don't want to read them, please feel free to disregard - I'll make it clear with every single post that it's about my health journey so you can feel free to opt out. But I have to do this for me. I have to do this for my bank account. I have to do this for my heart. I have to do this for my friends. I have to do this for my family.

I have to do this for my life.


PS: I still don't want to work out with people, but I appreciate the thoughts. If you could find it in your hearts JUST ONE MORE TIME to throw some positive vibes my way, I could really use those right now.