My Lie in Pictures: Tammi's Dearests

Three years ago, my mother Tammi made the thoughtful mistake of giving me four volumes of pictures to catalogue my life achievements in breathing as a gift for graduating from undergrad. If you're only here for the Yankee Candle update, skip to the end.

These are the lies I made up about them.

Hashtag do it for the haters. Hashtag side eye. Hashtag strike a pose. Hashtag pacifier. Hashtag do it for the applause.

>>CLICK ME FOR DRAMATIC EFFECT<<

By my fourth birthday, I had worn one too many garbage bag "costumes" on Halloween. I was growing concerned about my mother's decision-making skills, and my birthday outfit of "backwoods baseball player" did very little to quell my fears. Just a week before, I had taught myself how to use the toilet because there had to be at least one adult in the house and I didn't have time to keep changing my own diapers. Tammi resented that because me being out of diapers was another step toward me moving out. She had been trying to mold me into a cross dressing motel manager so she could spend her post-retirement years taxidermied and sitting in a rocking chair ~forever~, so my independence was a dangerous thing.
 I had to take action. I was about to start school, so I wouldn't be around to help her pay the bills or ridicule her outfits, and I couldn't allow her to be seen in public in her state at the time. I had mixed feelings about starting school, likely due to the Stockholms. On the one hand, my absence would mean the house would fall apart. On the other hand, going to school meant getting out of the house and eating a meal that didn't consist of huge containers of hot cocoa, Miracle Whip, ketchup, Cheez-Its, and saltine crackers. 

Don't deny it, Tammi, the proof is in the pantry you forgot how to close. 

In a selfless attempt to help Tammi get her life together, I stopped unwrapping my gifts and tried to teach her how to count to four. I wanted to avoid making a scene (and I was really hoping I would get a non-garbage bag costume that year), so I recounted the number of years I had lived so Tammi would have an emotional attachment to her learning experiences.

"One...blue...C...I don't get it. Lolz."
- Tammi

I told Tammi to contemplate a new hairstyle and returned to opening my gifts because I know a lost cause when I see one. I was jovial about getting this Genie figurine, but disappointed that it wasn't a Genie lamp for obvious reasons I don't need to outline here. In addition to trying to steal my limelight by inserting herself into a picture she wasn't welcomed to, Ashley was also trying to steal Genie like some common shoplifter. It turns out that she thought it was a real Genie, because life is sometimes more confusing for some of us. I discovered that she wanted to make one of her wishes to the Genie be, "I wish Ryan was unborned." I wasn't upset about it. I couldn't begin to understand what it was like to be a has-been living in the shadow of a superstar. 

THE SHADOW OF A SUPERSTAR

Photo of me looking for my birth parents - who are Royals - to show up and tell me I've been Punk'd.

I still contemplate the big questions, like whether or not Lorelai and Luke will be married in the Gilmore Girls revival, by looking out a window. In this photo, I was trying to figure out where to go from here in this post. I'm more or less out of Tammi photos because she was smart and did not give me very many. THANKS FOR NOTHING TAMMI.

I guess we'll just have to settle for more pictures of Ashley and me.

This photo was taken around the time my career was really taking off, so I was trying to do more community outreach. One of my projects was allowing my sister to be in some of my photo shoots. If I was going to be famous, I needed at least one of my family members to appear that they had their lives together as much as I had mine together. As previously established, I couldn't count on Tammi. Up until this photo, I had hope for my sister. But her outfit choice - ESPECIALLY THAT COLLAR - was unacceptable. She was trying to outshine me with her pink ruffles and Farrah hair, and she had the gall to fold her hands like a china doll. This wouldn't do.

No, this wouldn't do at all. So I gave her and her adorable folded hands the side eye, kicked her out of the photo shoot, and told her that if she ever attempted to outshine me again, I would bite her face off. And we all know how how that turned out.

Things returned to normal fairly quickly. It's like she doesn't know someone has a camera in their hands.

Although I would normally accuse my sister of trying to steal the spotlight and my cake, let's be realistic about this picture. 

TAMMI. WHAT IS THIS!? It's like you didn't know what you wanted to do before you started baking, so you just winged it and made some expired angel food cake, tried to cover the mold on the cake with blobs of icing, rolled the bottom of it in stale Lucky Charms crumbs, put a cherry? on top of it as "garnish," and called it a cake. If you want an example of something to put in a trash bag that isn't your child, this photo is said example. *Cue the texts to defend her garbage cake*

>>BLOG REAL ESTATE FOR TAMMI'S DEFENSE OF HER GARBAGE CAKE<<

Naturally, we were both concerned about what it was we were looking at. Did Tammi expect us to eat this disappointment to bakeries everywhere? Were we making a political statement by being in the same room with it? How was this "cake" going to affect us emotionally, physically, and professionally? Were we about to be victims of Munchausen by proxy? Click this is you don't have a weird obsession with true crime and therefore have no idea what Munchausen by proxy is.

So I tasted it, figuring the worst that would happen is death. Little did I know the worst that would happen was me forming an unnatural love for Yankee Candle, which I blame Tammi for. THERE ARE EVEN CANDLES ON THE CAKE. Madness, I tell you, MADNESS.

Ashley thought I died after the taste test and began cheering for her newfound only child status. But I was alive, and I gently reminded her yet again that I could bite her face off WITH A SMILE ON MY FACE.

Tammi ended up eating all of the cake while yelling, "LET THEM EAT CAKE" and laughing maniacally. ~hashtag psycho~ 

Tammi already started trying to defend herself/thwart this post after I was kind enough to give her a heads up. Per the usual, I thought I'd share because nothing is sacred at (ryan)vention.

As promised, here's a more recent photo of Tammi.

Mommy and her friend Margaret.

To be continued, because not taking advantage of Tammi's nice gift would be a mistake for everyone here.


YANKEE CANDLE UPDATE

My sister-in-law Bethany surprised me with THE BEST GIFT I HAVE EVER RECEIVED AND THAT INCLUDES CRAIG DESTROYER OF (YANKEE CANDLE) DREAMS PROPOSING TO ME IN FLORENCE AND THE PHOTO ALBUMS TAMMI GAVE ME THAT I NOW VICTIMIZE HER WITH. I'm being dramatic on that last part. Or am I? Isn't the world a mystery?

LOL IT'S THE OFFICIAL YANKEE CANDLE OF (RYAN)VENTION HOW WILD